MY HEART IS BROKEN TODAY, I MISS MY "LITTLE MISS MAE" BY MY SIDE.
THERE'S BEEN A LOT HAPPEN THRU OUT THE PAST 5 WEEKS(YES! IT'S ACTUALLY BEEN 5 WEEKS, CRAZY!) THAT I DON'T WANT TO FORGET. I ALSO DON'T WANT TO FORGET WHAT WORDS KOLBI WAS SAYING, SO I WANT TO WRITE THEM ALL DOWN.
I HAVE HAD A COUPLE OF HARD DAYS LATELY. I THINK OF KOLBI ALL THE TIME AND MISS HER LIKE CRAZY!! NATE AND I WENT TO OUR WARD TEMPLE NIGHT THIS LAST SATURDAY AND I STILL GET ANXIETY AND PANIC ATTACKS FIRST WALKING IN THE DOORS AND I'M VERY EMOTIONAL BUT IN THE CELESTRIAL ROOM, I WAS OVERWHELMED, MY CHEST STARTED HURTING AND IT WAS HARD TO BREATHE. MY BISHOP AND HIS WIFE WERE THERE, AND SEEING THEM SMILING AND MY BISHOP TRYING HARD NOT TO LET A TEAR RUN OFF HIS CHEEK I BROKE DOWN IN TEARS. I KNOW THE TEMPLE IS THE CLOSEST PLACE WE CAN BE CLOSE TO KOLBI, I JUST WISHED I COULD HOLD HER AND KISS HER (WHILE BEING THEREÜ)
NATE AND I HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO GO DOWN TO THE CHURCH OFFICES AND MEET
WITH ELDER C. SCOTT GROW OF THE First Quorum of the Seventy THURSDAY AUG. 25TH. IT WAS AN AMAZING EXPERIENCE ONE I DON'T THINK EITHER OF US WILL FORGET.
FIRST HE SAT US DOWN, ASKED HOW WE MET, WHERE WE GREW UP AND WHERE WE ARE LIVING AT NOW. IT WAS JUST LIKE TALKING TO OUR GRANDPA'S OUT FISHING IT WAS SO RELAXED, AND HE MADE US FEEL SO COMFORTABLE. HE THEN ASKED ABOUT THE ACCIDENT, WHICH NATE WAS ABLE TO TELL AND HE DID A GREAT JOB. ELDER GROW HAS SEEN THIS BEFORE WITH HIS SISTER-IN-LAWS FAMILY THE SAME THING HAPPENED BUT IT WAS A 3 YEAR OLD LITTLE BOY. SO WHEN HE HAD HEARD ABOUT OUR FAMILY HE WANTED TO MEET WITH US. THE SPIRIT WAS SO STRONG IN HIS OFFICE, HE ANSWERED ALL OF OUR QUESTIONS ALONG WITH FINDING THEM IN THE SCRIPTURES. HE TALKED TO US ALOT ON THE "SEALING POWER" IT 'S ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT ORDINANCES OF OUR CHURCH AND KNOWING THAT WE ARE SEALED FOR OUR FAMILIES FOR ETERNITY. HE SAID ,"KOLBI IS OURS!" AHHH I LOVED HEARING THAT. SHE IS MINE AND I WILL BE ABLE TO RAISE HER AGAIN AND LOVE ON HER AND KISS HER. AGH..I CAN'T WAIT FOR THAT GLORIOUS DAY TO COME.
NATE ASKED, "WHY DID IT HAVE TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS?" THE FIRST THING ELDER GROW SAID WAS, "YOU AGREED TO IT, YOU KNEW YOU COULD HANDLE THE PAIN, YOU GAVE HER,HER BODY THAT'S ALL SHE NEEDED ON THIS EARTH, IT'S ALL PART OF H.F'S PLAN FOR US. HE IS KNOWLEDGEABLE OF WHAT HAPPENS DOWN HERE ON EARTH, JESUS SUFFERED IN GETHSEMANE FOR NOT ONLY OUR SINS BUT, FOR OUR PAIN AND SORROWS AS WELL. ONE DAY, HE WILL LIFT THAT PAIN OFF OF YOU, YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE KOLBI IN YOUR HEARTS, BUT ONE DAY THE PAIN WILL BE GONE." HE IS AN AMAZING MAN WHO BELIEVES WHAT HE SAYS IS TRUE AND I'M SURE ALOT OF IT COMES FROM OUR FATHER IN HEAVEN. HE ALSO ASKED NATE IF HE FEELS ANY "GUILT?" I WAS SO GLAD TO HEAR THAT QUESTION, THINKING TO MYSELF, 'I HAVEN'T EVEN ASKED NATE THAT!" I WAS SO EXCITED AND SO COMFORTED HEARING NATE'S ANSWER, WHICH WAS, "NO!" I HURRIED AND SPOKE UP AND SAID, " I DON'T EVEN SEE NATE IN THE ACCIDENT, I SEE HIM TRYING TO TAKE CARE AND PROTECT OUR BABY!" THEN ELDER GROW SAID, HOW STRONG WE ARE AND HOW MUCH LOVE HE CAN SEE THAT WE HAVE FOR EACHOTHER.
HE THEN GAVE BOTH NATE AND I A BLESSING. THEY WERE AMAZING AND THE SPIRIT WAS SO STRONG! ELDER GROW HAD A FEW TEARS FROM HIS CHEEK AND OF COURSE I WAS CRYING LIKE A BABY. BUT, I TRULY BELIEVE THOSE WORDS HE SPOKE CAME FROM OUR HEAVENLY FATHER. HE GAVE US BOTH A HUG AND SAID, "YOUR GOING TO BE ABLE TO HOLD YOUR SWEET KOLBI AGAIN!" WE THANKED HIM FOR HIS TIME AND WALKED WITH OUR HEADS HIGH TO THE TRUCK.
WE HAVE BEEN BLESSED THRU OUT ALL OF THIS. NATE AND I DON'T DO THE "WHAT-IF'S OR THE SHOULD HAVES" THEY WON'T GET US ANY WHERE SO WE TRY AND LOOK AT THE POSITIVE SIDE OF EVERYTHING. THERE HAVE BEEN SOOO MANY PEOPLE WHO HAVE REACHED OUT TO US, SOME PEOPLE WHO WE DON'T EVEN KNOW, OR SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN IN OUR VERY SHOES. IT MADE US REMEMBER WHAT GREAT PEOPLE THERE ARE IN THIS WICKED WORLD WE LIVE IN.
THE NIGHT BEFORE MEETING WITH ELDER GROW, I WAS A WRECK, I FELT LIKE THE WORLD WAS AGAINST US. PEOPLE WERE MAKING UP LIES ABOUT ME AND MY HUSBAND, THEY JUST WANTED TO GOSSIP, THEY WERE TELLING ABOUT THE ACCIDENT IN THE MOST AWFUL, GRUESOME WAY. I WAS TALKING TO MY MOM ON THE PHONE BAWLING NOT KNOWING WHY SOMEONE WOULD WANT TO ADD ON OUR HEART ACHE, I GUESS I WAS GETTING MADDER AND MADDER AND MY MOM SAID, "CHELS. YOU HAVE SATAN IN YOU RIGHT NOW, YOU HAVE NOT TALKED THIS THIS, THIS WHOLE TIME, YOU ARE LETTING HIM WIN." AFTER SHE HAD POINTED THAT OUT TO ME, I REALIZED I WAS LETTING THE BITTERNESS GET ME, I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY TO DECK SOMEONE IN THE FACE AT THAT MOMENT. I HAD NATE GIVE ME A BLESSING THAT NIGHT, AND AFTER HE WAS DONE IT WAS LIKE A HUGE BURDEN HAD BEEN TAKEN OFF OF ME AND I DECIDED TO PUT A WALL UP. WHAT EVER SOMEONE HAS TO SAY NEGATIVE WILL JUST BOUNCE OFF, WITHOUT EFFECTING ME. I KNOW HOW NATE AND I ARE DOING, I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES, I KNOW THAT I AM TRYING TO BE THE BEST MOM I CAN BE TO 2 BEAUTIFUL, HEATH LY KIDS. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT OTHERS THINK OR I SAY, CAUSE I KNOW!!! I HAVE THE MOST AMAZING FAMILY, FRIENDS, NEIGHBORS AND WARD. THEY ARE THE ONES I WANT TO SURROUND MYSELF WITH. THEY KEEP A POSITIVE OUTLOOK NOT BITTERNESS.
SUNDAY NIGHT WE WENT TO THE SEE KOLBI'S GRAVE, IT'S SO WEIRD CEMETERY'S USED TO FREAK ME OUT, BUT NOW I FEEL SO MUCH COMFORT BEING THERE. I LOVE GOING AND VISITING KOLBI. WHEN WE WERE THERE KYSON SAID, "THE DAYS ARE GETTING BETTER HUH!" NATE SAID, "YEA BUDDY THEY ARE" THAT MADE MY DAY! KYSON IS A VERY PROTECTIVE BROTHER, AND HE STILL ASK QUESTIONS ALL THE TIME ABOUT KOLBI. TAIGE JUST TELLS MEMORIES OF KOLBI, LIKE, "SHE LIKED THIS MOVIE HUH MOM, SHE LIKED TO DANCE WITH ME TO THE MUSIC." (DANCING WITH THE STARS) I AM ALWAYS TRYING TO TALK ABOUT KOLBI SO THAT MY KIDS KNOW IT'S OK TO TALK ABOUT HER. I WANT THEM TO BE ABLE TO EXPRESS THEIR FEELING S WHETHER THEIR HAPPY, MAD OR SAD. WE DEF. HAVE MANY EMOTIONS AROUND OUR HOUSEHOLD!Ü
THE NIGHT BEFORE THE FUNERAL, NATE AND I SAT THEM DOWN TO KIND OF TALK TO THEM WHAT WAS GOING TO TAKE PLACE THE NEXT DAY AND TALK TO THEM ABOUT THE SPIRIT AND THE BODY, KYSON WAS STILL KIND OF MAD AT NATE FOR THE ACCIDENT, AND AFTER WE WERE DONE TALKING KYSON LOOKED AT NATE AND SAID, "I KNOW IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT DAD, I JUST WISHED IT WAS ME AND NOT HER." TALK ABOUT MY HEARTBREAKING IN 100 PIECES. HE LOVED HIS SISTER SO MUCH, HE WANTED TO PROTECT HER. I JUST CLAPPED MY HANDS AND SAID, " WELL I GUESS WE HAVE TO MAKE YOU PERFECT THEN SO YOU CAN SEE HER AGAIN." THE OTHER THING KYSON SAID WAS... NATE AND I WERE CLEANING PAINT BRUSHES OUTSIDE THIS WEEKEND AND I SAID, " LET'S TRY AND TAKE THE CRIB DOWN TODAY." NATE SAID, "WELL WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH IT?" I SAID, "LET'S JUST TAKE IT TO THE DUMPS IT'S OLD ANYWAYS. " KYSON JUMPED IN SAYNG, "NO, YOU CAN'T GET RID OF HER BED, WHAT'S SHE GOING TO SLEEP ON WHEN HER SPIRIT COMES BACK TO HER BODY?' OH THE INNOCENCE OF A CHILD. HE IS A GREAT BIG BROTHER AND HE MISSES HER EVERYDAY, BUT, LIKE HE SAID "THE DAYS ARE GETTING BETTER!"
ONE DAY WE WILL GET TO HOLD HER AGAIN AND HAVE HER BACK IN OUR LIVES. I DON'T KNOW WHAT PEOPLE DO NOT KNOWING THE GOSPEL?!? I WAS HOME ALONE THE OTHER DAY ALL BY MYSELF GOING A LITTLE CRAZY FEELING A LITTLE LOST. I WOULD HATE NOT KNOWING ABOUT LIFE AFTER DEATH.
WHAT A BLESSING IT IS TO KNOW AND HAVE THE GOSPEL IN MY LIFE!