HAVING GONE THRU LOSING MY BABY, IT'S AMAZING HOW MANY OTHER MOMS HAVE BEEN IN MY SAME SHOES. IT'S BEEN NICE CONTACTING SOME OF THESE MOMS WHO KNOW EXACTLY EVERY EMOTION THAT HAS COME WITH MY GRIEVING PROCESS. STEPHANIE FROM
A DAILY SCOOP IS ONE OF THESE INCREDIBLE STRONG MOTHERS WHO ALSO HAS LOST HER DARLING LITTLE DAUGHTER CAMILLE.
I FOUND THIS POST SHE HAD WRITTEN AFTER A MONTH OR SO AFTER HER DAUGHTERS FUNERAL, AND WANTED TO RE POST IT CAUSE IT WAS OR IS PERFECT TO KNOW "HOW TO TREAT A FRIEND WHO HAS SUFFERED A LOSS."
THERE IS A FAMILY IN MY WARD THAT IS FIGHTING THEIR OWN TRIBULATIONS RIGHT NOW WITH THEIR HUSBAND/FATHER ON LIFE SUPPORT. IT JUST BREAKS MY HEART MY, FRIEND/(THE WIFE) HAS BEEN INCREDIBLY STRONG THRU THIS PROCESS I KNOW THE LORD IS CARRYING HER THRU WITH THE DECISIONS SHE HAS TO MAKE AND SHE IS POSITIVE THAT THIS IS "HIS" WILL. IT'S AMAZING THE STRENGTH THE GOSPEL CAN GIVE YOU!
I'M GOING TO ADD MY LITTLE 2 CENTS TO SOME OF THESE ...
HOW TO TREAT A FRIEND WHO HAS SUFFERED A LOSS
To all those who have done things for
and communicated with me. THANK YOU. I know anything you have done or
said was an expression of your love and concern for me. I have not been
offended by anything anyone has said to me and I appreciate everything
people have done for me and given to me. I hope nothing I write will
offend any of you or make you think I didn't appreciate something you
said or did for me.
Why
am I writing this guide? I grew up surrounded by brothers. I often got
my feelings hurt by them. My mother taught me early in my life, "Men are
obtuse. If you want them to say something or do something, you have to
tell them exactly what you want them to say or do." That helped
immensely in my family life, dating life, and married life. The same
principal applies now. Fortunately, few have been in these terribly
painful shoes. At the same time, few know what to do or say.
Luckily,
my bishop visited with us in the hospital and on the Sunday Camille
died. He took some time informing our church congregation of the news
and relaying instructions on how I wanted people to treat me -- what not
to say or do and how I would like people to treat me. For all the
others out there who do not have this kind of preparation given, I write
this guide.
So, someone you know has suffered a great loss. What should you do? What can you say?
I
haven't suffered every kind of loss, but I think some of the things in
the following guideline will apply to most kinds of loss and for most
people. Those of you who have suffered similar loss, feel free to add
your opinion in the comments. Those whose loved ones are suffering loss,
if I do not address one of your questions of concerns, ask me in a
comment and I will see what I can do about that.
1) Acknowledge the Loss.
-- Don't let your fear of doing or saying the wrong thing keep you from
doing or saying anything. It is important that your friend know you
care. How you acknowledge the loss depends on your relationship with the
person.
For a stranger
- a blog comment, or if you have their address a note telling them how
their loss has made you or the world better in some way. My sister in
law was deeply affected by a tragedy last year in her neighborhood. A
family in a minivan was hit from behind by a semi and their 3 children
were all killed. Since this accident a year ago, every time my sister in
law passes that exit on the freeway she tells her 3 kids that she loves
them. That type of thing is great to relay to the grieving parents.
*IT WAS AMAZING SEEING ALL THE PEOPLE NATE AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHO REACHED OUT TO US. IT MADE US REALIZE THAT THEIR ARE STILL GREAT PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD. AND WE REALLY APPRECIATED THEIR KIND WORDS FOR NOT KNOWING US!
For a friend or acquaintance -
Send a card, an email, flowers, a text message, a voice message, a
contribution to a charity. Let them know you are thinking of them and
praying for them. If you want to send a gift -- see my notes on the best
gifts below.
When
you see them for the first time after -- It is best to just give them a
quick tight hug and tell them "I love you." Saying you are so sorry for
their loss, crying, or talking in depth about the loss just brings up
the feelings of pain we are trying so hard to work through. Also, be
careful about the look in your eyes. Try to give a look of tender love
and confidence. I know it is hard to control things like crying and the
look of pity because seeing us makes you think of the loss and it
saddens you. But what we need is love, not pity.
*I STILL LOVE GETTING THE TIGHT HUGS, TO ME THAT MEANS MORE THEN ANY WORDS!
For a close friend - This
is where things get tricky. We need different things at different times
depending on the stage of grief we are in and how we are feeling that
hour. When in doubt, ask your friend "What do you need right now?
Space, a shoulder, a distraction, a joke, cookies, chocolate, Wii time?"
Give them what they need at the time and don't expect the answer will
be the same the next day or even the next hour.
My friend Kathryn sent me my favorite Sprinkles cupcakes mix!
The Red Velvet Chocotherapy was delicious! Thanks Kathryn!
Serve
your friend. Most people will not tell you when they really need
something. I highly recommend insisting on serving. Don't ask if they
need help cleaning. Just show up with your gloves on a cleaner in your
hand and ask to see their bathroom.
After
my first miscarriage, a friend of mine called to see if she could come
clean my house. I was hesitant. I couldn't do it but my mom was coming
and she could. My friend insisted. "I will clean your place so your mom
can spend time tending you," she said.
She
came over and got on her hands and knees and scrubbed my gross bathroom
and cleaned my whole apartment. I will admit, I was a little
embarrassed at first, but that act of service forged a bond of love for
this friend that is unbreakable. I love Daleen and 8 years later we
still are great friends even though we have lived in different cities
for the last 6 years. She will be in town visiting me next week. Yeah!
I
had so many old friends who came to the funeral. That is another thing a
close friend should do if it is possible. Go to the funeral. If it is
long distance, your friend will likely not expect you to come. But if
you do make that extraordinary effort, your friend will appreciate it.
Family - Come.
If it is at all possible, come as soon as you can to surround your
family member in unconditional, non judgemental love and support. Then do
anything you can to help them. Do all the things I wrote in the close
friend section. But most importantly just be with them. Even if you
don't talk. Just be near them.
2) Want to send a gift? For Children --
When there is a child involved, sending a fun surprise really can take
their mind off of their sorrow for a while. I think "doing types" of
gifts are wonderful. My children loved the crafts people sent. My kids
happen to really love stuffed animals, I know not all kids do, but mine
do and they received several that they treasure. Happy mail from other
kids is also a great treat for kids.
* MY KIDS ENJOYED ALL THE GREAT THINGS PEOPLE GAVE THEM, IT ALWAYS PUT A SMILE ON MY FACE KNOWING OTHERS ARE ALSO CARING FOR MY CHILDREN, THEY TOO WERE SUFFERING A LOSS.
For Men: My
husband tells me guys don't want stuff. They want distraction --
escapism. They want a guy friend to call them up and invite them out for
a guy movie or a game of baseball or whatever else they are into. I
have said this before but I also think the Wii or those kinds of
distractions are good.
For Women: Sentimental
gifts probably top my list. Photos, songs, DVDs, poems, the locket I
got, the scrapbook, the magic blanket, tulips. Every gift says "I love
you" and so every gift is wonderful.
Books:
Most
people who experience a loss also receive a number of grief books. I am
no exception. The only problem with grief books is that it is VERY
difficult to read anything of any length when you are submerged in
grief. Your brain just cannot focus on something other than that which
is lost for more than a few moments. So reading ... well ... I managed
to skim one or two books on helping children through their grief because
I felt it was necessary for me to know this as a mother. That was so
hard to do though. I am an avid reader and I have only managed to read
one light historical fiction book. It was a bit of escapism for me but
even then I was not as into it as I would normally have been. It took
weeks before I could even watch TV (well except for SYTYCD). Reading
takes so much more concentration than that. I am getting to the point
where I think I could read more now, but I am still not up for any book
about sad things.
I
am sure there is great information in the books that I have. I am not
saying no one should send grief books. But I think it would be more
helpful if you took the time to read the book before you sent it and
pick a few quotes that you think will be the most helpful to the person.
Then type those quotes up and insert them in the book with a card.
Inspiring and comforting quotes can be uplifting and strengthening. A
few salient quotes are about the amount your brain can focus on when
drowning in grief. Then later when the brain is more stable, the person
can read the book for themselves.
* THE GRIEVING BOOKS ACTUALLY HELPED ME AND NATE THE MOST! THERE WERE SOME THAT AT FIRST I WASN'T READY TO READ BUT, OVER THE PASSING MONTHS THEY WERE HELPFUL TO TURN TOO. MY FAVORITE SO FAR IS, "LOVE LIFE, AND SEE GOOD DAYS" YOU CAN FIND IT AT DESERT BOOK.
3) Long term care:
Time
is a strange thing. I see the date on my calendar is late July but to
me it still seems like June. The last 6 weeks have been a blur. The
world is moving on, moving forward, but for me, it is strange to think
it isn't still June. If someone close to you has lost someone in their
immediate family, you should assume that this will be a sorrow to them
the rest of their mortal lives. They may not always talk about it. They
may not always think about it. But it will never completely go away. I
think it is great to "check up on" a friend a couple months after the
loss again just to let them know you haven't forgotten their pain. I may
write another post on this down the road when I have more experience
with the long term end of it.
*TO ME SO FAR, I LIKE WHEN OTHERS NOTICE ONE OF "MY FIRST" WITHOUT HAVING KOLBI HERE. AS LONG AS OTHERS NOTICE IT MAKES ME WANT TO BE STRONG.
4) Remembering: You
should not be afraid to mention those who have died. We who miss them
most enjoy remembering them. We want others to remember them too. They
are part of our family whether they are on earth or in heaven. But here I
must add a caution. We want to remember our little one but we DO NOT
want to remember the circumstances surrounding their death. For most of
us, the day our child died or the day they were in the accident that
would take their life was the WORST day of our lives. Personally, it is
something I want to forever blot out of my memory. So, while it is
natural to wonder about the details surrounding how a child died, DO NOT
ask this of the grieving parent. If they want to tell you they will do
it of their own accord. In the case of accidents, they have already had
to relive the experience by telling it to the cops, CPS, and the
coroner. Every time I have to tell someone about this day I am
immediately taken right back there to all the horrid emotions and
crippling questions that surround those events. "How" is just not that
important. If you have to ask someone, ask a friend of the family, not
the family itself.
*I LOVE HAVING OTHERS REMIND ME OF THINGS KOLBI DID OR SAID. I ALSO ENJOY HEARING OF SWEET MEMORIES OTHERS HAVE OF HER.
5) How are you?: This
is an unavoidable question in human society. We answer it everyday
several times from loved ones and strangers. It becomes a dreaded
question when you are dying inside and don't want to share that with the
asker. For those of you grieving, I have found that "I am doing well
right now" to be a good answer. If I am not doing well, I stay silent
and nod my head. Or I say "good days and bad days." I am sure you have
found your own strategies for answering this question as well.
For
the askers, if you are really close to the person, I think it is okay
to ask. Personally, I am not bothered by this question, but I know many
others are. But for most friends, it is better if you just skip that
question and say, "Hi. It is great to see you/hear your voice ..." then
go onto the business of your call or visit.
I
hope this helps some of you know how to deal with those who have
experienced loss. I may have another installment later if I think of
more things or if there are enough questions that need answering. Till
then I will answer one of your burning questions. "How am I?"
"Today I am doing very well."
