I'M TRYING MY HARDEST TO KEEP SMILING!!!
NATE ASKED ME THE OTHER NIGHT IF I EVER SMILE OR LAUGH ANYMORE. I THINK I DO PRETTY DARN WELL (CONSIDERING!)
IT HAS BEEN ALMOST 5 MONTHS SINCE THE LAST TIME I KISSED MY LITTLE MAE'S CHEEKS.
IT CAUSED SO MUCH ATTENTION THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO THINK AND NOW IT SEEMS LIKE THAT'S ALL I DO!
EVERY ONE'S LIVES HAVE MOVED ON AND MINE IS IN A STUMP THAT ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE. I'M TRYING TO FIND MY {NEW} NORMAL. WHICH I HAVEN'T DONE VERY WELL YET.
I LOST IT THE OTHER NIGHT, COULDN'T STOP THE TEARS(THAT'S A NEW NORMAL)
BUT, NATE SAT ME DOWN AND TRIED TO SEE WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS. I JUST STARTED YELLING THAT "LIFE SUCKS!!!" HE CALMLY SAID, " YOUR LIFE DOESN'T SUCK, YOUR LIFE IS HARD!" THAT WAS A GOOD REMINDER!! MY LIFE REALLY DOESN'T SUCK, IT REALLY IS JUST PLAIN HARD!!! IT'S HARD TO UNDERSTAND OR TO KNOW HOW TO CHANGE, I REALLY DO TRY HARD TO "FIND JOY IN EVERYDAY" I TRY TO COUNT MY BLESSINGS, WHICH I HAVE MANY!!!
SOMETIMES I GUESS I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THE "WHY??!!" WHY HER? WHY TO US?? WHY DID I HAVE TO FIGHT SO HARD TO HAVE HER? WHY? WHY? WHY? I DON'T ASK WHY ABOUT THE ACCIDENT, UNFORTUNATELY I TRULY BELIEVE IT HAD TO HAPPEN THAT WAY AND I KNOW THE LORD WAS CARRYING ME THRU IN MY WEAKEST MOMENT.
MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN AMAZING THRU ALL OF THIS! THEY DROP EVERYTHING TO MAKE SURE I'M OK. CHERIE' HAS BEEN MY ROCK! SHE BRINGS ME MY DIET COKE WHEN SHE KNOWS I'M IN NEED! SHE'S ALWAYS ASKING HOW I AM DOING AND ASK ABOUT KOLBI. IT JUST FEELS GOOD TO TALK ABOUT HER TO SOMEONE!!!
MY SISTER JUSTI IS NOW PREGNANT, I'M SOOO EXCITED FOR HER AND HER FAMILY! WHEN MY MOM TOLD ME, I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD EFFECT ME SO HARD LIKE IT DID. I KNEW SHE WAS TRYING ALONG WITH MY BROTHER AND HIS WIFE AND I THINK...MY OTHER S-I-L.
BUT, REALITY HIT WHEN I GUESS I FOUND OUT. I CAME HOME CURLED UP IN A BALL AND CRIED FOR 2 DAYS. I HAVE BEEN PREGNANT THE LAST 2 TIMES WITH MY SISTER AND I GUESS I WAS FEELING LEFT OUT OR STUCK IN MY STUMP WHILE SHE GETS TO MOVE ON. THAT'S THE OTHER {WHY} I ASK ALOT IS... WHY DID I GET MY TUBES TIED RIGHT AFTER I HAD KOLBI,? WHY WAS I SO EAGER TO BE DONE WITH HAVING KIDS? I THOUGHT I WAS CONTENT WITH JUST 3 KIDS AT THE TIME, WAS I BEING SELFISH AND DOING IT WITHOUT GETTING THE RIGHT ANSWER FROM MY FATHER IN HEAVEN?? NOW IT SEEMS LIKE ALL I DO IS SECOND GUESS MYSELF WITH STERILIZING MYSELF.
I THINK ABOUT HAVING ANOTHER BABY ALL THE TIME. I THINK IT WOULD HELP ME AND MY KIDS. UNFORTUNATELY THEIR BABY HUNGRY TOO. I ASKED NATE IF HE WOULD EVER CONSIDER ADOPTING, HIS COMMENT WAS, "I'D HAVE TO GO CHECK OUT ALL THE BLACK BOY BABIES OUT AND SEE WHICH ONE IS THE TALLEST AND MOST ATHLETIC."
I THINK IT'S HARD FROM GOING FROM HAVING SOMEONE DEPEND ON ME SOOO MUCH TO TWIDDLING MY THUMBS NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO WITH MY TIME.
I'VE HAD BABIES AND TODDLERS IN MY HOME FOR THE PAST 6 YEARS AND NOW MY 2 OLDER KIDS ARE MORE INDEPENDENT, WHERE HALF THE TIME I'M ALL ALONE, LOST OF NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH EASIER GRADUALLY GROWING OUT OF THE TODDLER STAGE.
I AM SO LUCKY TO BE SURROUNDED BY SUCH GREAT PEOPLE!!!