HOW TO TREAT A FRIEND WHO IS GRIEVING

HAVING GONE THRU LOSING MY BABY, IT'S AMAZING HOW MANY OTHER MOMS HAVE BEEN IN MY SAME SHOES.  IT'S BEEN NICE CONTACTING SOME OF THESE MOMS WHO KNOW EXACTLY EVERY EMOTION THAT HAS COME WITH MY GRIEVING PROCESS.  STEPHANIE FROM A DAILY SCOOP IS ONE OF THESE INCREDIBLE STRONG MOTHERS WHO ALSO HAS LOST HER DARLING LITTLE DAUGHTER CAMILLE.

I FOUND THIS POST SHE HAD WRITTEN AFTER A MONTH OR SO AFTER HER DAUGHTERS  FUNERAL, AND WANTED TO RE POST IT CAUSE IT WAS OR IS PERFECT TO KNOW "HOW TO TREAT A FRIEND WHO HAS SUFFERED A LOSS."

THERE IS A FAMILY IN MY WARD THAT IS FIGHTING THEIR OWN TRIBULATIONS RIGHT NOW WITH THEIR HUSBAND/FATHER ON LIFE SUPPORT.  IT JUST BREAKS MY HEART MY, FRIEND/(THE WIFE)  HAS BEEN INCREDIBLY STRONG THRU THIS PROCESS I KNOW THE LORD IS CARRYING HER THRU WITH THE DECISIONS SHE HAS TO MAKE AND SHE IS POSITIVE THAT THIS IS "HIS" WILL.  IT'S AMAZING THE STRENGTH THE GOSPEL CAN GIVE YOU!

I'M GOING TO ADD MY LITTLE 2 CENTS TO SOME OF THESE ...

HOW TO TREAT A FRIEND WHO HAS SUFFERED A LOSS

 

To all those who have done things for and communicated with me. THANK YOU. I know anything you have done or said was an expression of your love and concern for me.  I have not been offended by anything anyone has said to me and I appreciate everything people have done for me and given to me. I hope nothing I write will offend any of you or make you think I didn't appreciate something you said or did for me. 

Why am I writing this guide? I grew up surrounded by brothers. I often got my feelings hurt by them. My mother taught me early in my life, "Men are obtuse. If you want them to say something or do something, you have to tell them exactly what you want them to say or do." That helped immensely in my family life, dating life, and married life. The same principal applies now.  Fortunately, few have been in these terribly painful shoes. At the same time, few know what to do or say. 

Luckily, my bishop visited with us in the hospital and on the Sunday Camille died.  He took some time informing our church congregation of the news and relaying instructions on how I wanted people to treat me -- what not to say or do and how I would like people to treat me. For all the others out there who do not have this kind of preparation given, I write this guide.

So, someone you know has suffered a great loss. What should you do? What can you say?

I haven't suffered every kind of loss, but I think some of the things in the following guideline will apply to most kinds of loss and for most people. Those of you who have suffered similar loss, feel free to add your opinion in the comments. Those whose loved ones are suffering loss, if I do not address one of your questions of concerns, ask me in a comment and I will see what I can do about that.

1) Acknowledge the Loss. -- Don't let your fear of doing or saying the wrong thing keep you from doing or saying anything. It is important that your friend know you care. How you acknowledge the loss depends on your relationship with the person. 

For a stranger - a blog comment, or if you have their address a note telling them how their loss has made you or the world better in some way.  My sister in law was deeply affected by a tragedy last year in her neighborhood. A family in a minivan was hit from behind by a semi and their 3 children were all killed. Since this accident a year ago, every time my sister in law passes that exit on the freeway she tells her 3 kids that she loves them. That type of thing is great to relay to the grieving parents. 

 

*IT WAS AMAZING SEEING ALL THE PEOPLE NATE AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHO REACHED OUT TO US.  IT MADE US REALIZE THAT THEIR ARE STILL GREAT PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD. AND WE REALLY APPRECIATED THEIR KIND WORDS FOR NOT KNOWING US!

For a friend or acquaintance - Send a card, an email, flowers, a text message, a voice message, a contribution to a charity. Let them know you are thinking of them and praying for them. If you want to send a gift -- see my notes on the best gifts below. 

When you see them for the first time after -- It is best to just give them a quick tight hug and tell them "I love you." Saying you are so sorry for their loss, crying, or talking in depth about the loss just brings up the feelings of pain we are trying so hard to work through. Also, be careful about the look in your eyes. Try to give a look of tender love and confidence.  I know it is hard to control things like crying and the look of pity because seeing us makes you think of the loss and it saddens you. But what we need is love, not pity. 

 

*I STILL LOVE GETTING THE TIGHT HUGS, TO ME THAT MEANS MORE THEN ANY WORDS!

For a close friend - This is where things get tricky. We need different things at different times depending on the stage of grief we are in and how we are feeling that hour.  When in doubt, ask your friend "What do you need right now? Space, a shoulder, a distraction, a joke, cookies, chocolate, Wii time?" Give them what they need at the time and don't expect the answer will be the same the next day or even the next hour. 

My friend Kathryn sent me my favorite Sprinkles cupcakes mix!

The Red Velvet Chocotherapy was delicious! Thanks Kathryn!

Serve your friend. Most people will not tell you when they really need something. I highly recommend insisting on serving. Don't ask if they need help cleaning. Just show up with your gloves on a cleaner in your hand and ask to see their bathroom. 

After my first miscarriage, a friend of mine called to see if she could come clean my house. I was hesitant. I couldn't do it but my mom was coming and she could. My friend insisted. "I will clean your place so your mom can spend time tending you," she said. 

She came over and got on her hands and knees and scrubbed my gross bathroom and cleaned my whole apartment. I will admit, I was a little embarrassed at first, but that act of service forged a bond of love for this friend that is unbreakable. I love Daleen and 8 years later we still are great friends even though we have lived in different cities for the last 6 years. She will be in town visiting me next week. Yeah! 

I had so many old friends who came to the funeral. That is another thing a close friend should do if it is possible. Go to the funeral. If it is long distance, your friend will likely not expect you to come. But if you do make that extraordinary effort, your friend will appreciate it. 

Family - Come.  If it is at all possible, come as soon as you can to surround your family member in unconditional, non judgemental love and support. Then do anything you can to help them. Do all the things I wrote in the close friend section. But most importantly just be with them. Even if you don't talk.  Just be near them.

2) Want to send a gift?  For Children -- When there is a child involved, sending a fun surprise really can take their mind off of their sorrow for a while.  I think "doing types" of gifts are wonderful. My children loved the crafts people sent. My kids happen to really love stuffed animals, I know not all kids do, but mine do and they received several that they treasure. Happy mail from other kids is also a great treat for kids. 

 

* MY KIDS ENJOYED ALL THE GREAT THINGS PEOPLE GAVE THEM, IT ALWAYS PUT A SMILE ON MY FACE KNOWING OTHERS ARE ALSO CARING FOR MY CHILDREN, THEY TOO WERE SUFFERING A LOSS.

For Men: My husband tells me guys don't want stuff. They want distraction -- escapism. They want a guy friend to call them up and invite them out for a guy movie or a game of baseball or whatever else they are into. I have said this before but I also think the Wii or those kinds of distractions are good.

For Women: Sentimental gifts probably top my list. Photos, songs, DVDs, poems, the locket I got, the scrapbook, the magic blanket, tulips. Every gift says "I love you" and so every gift is wonderful. 

Books:

Most people who experience a loss also receive a number of grief books. I am no exception. The only problem with grief books is that it is VERY difficult to read anything of any length when you are submerged in grief. Your brain just cannot focus on something other than that which is lost for more than a few moments. So reading ... well ...  I managed to skim one or two books on helping children through their grief because I felt it was necessary for me to know this as a mother. That was so hard to do though. I am an avid reader and I have only managed to read one light historical fiction book. It was a bit of escapism for me but even then I was not as into it as I would normally have been. It took weeks before I could even watch TV (well except for SYTYCD). Reading takes so much more concentration than that. I am getting to the point where I think I could read more now, but I am still not up for any book about sad things.

I am sure there is great information in the books that I have. I am not saying no one should send grief books. But I think it would be more helpful if you took the time to read the book before you sent it and pick a few quotes that you think will be the most helpful to the person. Then type those quotes up and insert them in the book with a card. Inspiring and comforting quotes can be uplifting and strengthening. A few salient quotes are about the amount your brain can focus on when drowning in grief. Then later when the brain is more stable, the person can read the book for themselves. 

 

* THE GRIEVING BOOKS ACTUALLY HELPED ME AND NATE THE MOST!  THERE WERE SOME THAT AT FIRST I WASN'T READY TO READ BUT, OVER THE PASSING MONTHS THEY WERE HELPFUL TO TURN TOO.  MY FAVORITE SO FAR IS, "LOVE LIFE, AND SEE GOOD DAYS" YOU CAN FIND IT AT DESERT BOOK.

3) Long term care:

Time is a strange thing. I see the date on my calendar is late July but to me it still seems like June. The last 6 weeks have been a blur. The world is moving on, moving forward, but for me, it is strange to think it isn't still June. If someone close to you has lost someone in their immediate family, you should assume that this will be a sorrow to them the rest of their mortal lives. They may not always talk about it. They may not always think about it. But it will never completely go away. I think it is great to "check up on" a friend a couple months after the loss again just to let them know you haven't forgotten their pain. I may write another post on this down the road when I have more experience with the long term end of it.

 

*TO ME SO FAR, I LIKE WHEN OTHERS NOTICE ONE OF "MY FIRST" WITHOUT HAVING KOLBI HERE.  AS LONG AS OTHERS  NOTICE IT MAKES ME WANT TO BE STRONG.

4) Remembering: You should not be afraid to mention those who have died. We who miss them most enjoy remembering them. We want others to remember them too. They are part of our family whether they are on earth or in heaven. But here I must add a caution. We want to remember our little one but we DO NOT want to remember the circumstances surrounding their death. For most of us, the day our child died or the day they were in the accident that would take their life was the WORST day of our lives. Personally, it is something I want to forever blot out of my memory. So, while it is natural to wonder about the details surrounding how a child died, DO NOT ask this of the grieving parent. If they want to tell you they will do it of their own accord. In the case of accidents, they have already had to relive the experience by telling it to the cops, CPS, and the coroner. Every time I have to tell someone about this day I am immediately taken right back there to all the horrid emotions and crippling questions that surround those events. "How" is just not that important. If you have to ask someone, ask a friend of the family, not the family itself.

*I LOVE HAVING OTHERS REMIND ME OF THINGS KOLBI DID OR SAID.  I ALSO ENJOY HEARING OF SWEET MEMORIES OTHERS HAVE OF HER.

5) How are you?: This is an unavoidable question in human society. We answer it everyday several times from loved ones and strangers. It becomes a dreaded question when you are dying inside and don't want to share that with the asker. For those of you grieving, I have found that "I am doing well right now" to be a good answer. If I am not doing well, I stay silent and nod my head. Or I say "good days and bad days." I am sure you have found your own strategies for answering this question as well. 

For the askers, if you are really close to the person, I think it is okay to ask. Personally, I am not bothered by this question, but I know many others are. But for most friends, it is better if you just skip that question and say, "Hi. It is great to see you/hear your voice ..." then go onto the business of your call or visit.

I hope this helps some of you know how to deal with those who have experienced loss. I may have another installment later if I think of more things or if there are enough questions that need answering. Till then I will answer one of your burning questions. "How am I?"

"Today I am doing very well."

CHRISTMAS

WE HAD A GOOD CHRISTMAS SEASON, THIS YEAR.  REALLY REMEMBERED "THE MEANING FOR THE SEASON!" THE BEGINNING OF THE MONTH I DID THE "SIMPLE TREASURES" BOUTIQUE AGAIN.  IT WAS A LITTLE HARD GETTING INTO THE SAWING OF CRAFTING AGAIN, BUT HAD MAJOR HELPERS ALONG THE WAY.  HAD MY MOM OVER TO HELP PAINT WHILE I STAYED IN THE GARAGE CUTTING OUT ALL THE WOOD.  MY FRIENDS SHOWED UP TO HELP STAIN EVERYTHING.  AND I MUST SAY IT ALL TURNED OUT PRETTY DARN CUTE.

I MADE THESE CUTE STANDING SANTA'S WITH A PINE TREE NEXT TOO IT THAT LIT UP.

MADE THIS CUTE HANGER SANTA

THE STANDING SNOWMAN WITH A PINE TREE THAT ALSO LIT UP

DID SOME MORE TRIO SNOWMEN

MADE A FEW MORE DOOR HANGERS

AND MADE THESE CUTE PORCH SIGNS THAT HAD A WREATH THE LIGHTS UP AS WELL.

IT TURNED OUT TO BE A PRETTY GOOD SHOW.  I WAS JUST GLAD WHEN IT WAS ALL DOWN.  IT DRAINED ME.  BUT, I DID ENJOY DOING IT AGAIN.

DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON I WANTED TO MAKE BLANKETS OUT OF KOLBI'S CLOTHES FOR KYSON, TAIGE, MY MOM & DAD, FOR NATE'S PARENTS, JAMIE AND FOR MY GRANDMA.  SO I HAD TO TRACK DOWN ALL OF KOLBI'S CLOTHES WITHOUT LETTING ANY OF THEM KNOW WHAT I WANTED THEM FOR.  I WENT THRU EACH PIECE OF HER CLOTHING SMELLED THEM HOPING TO CATCH A SNIFF OF HER.  BUT, DIDN'T WHILE GOING THRU THEM ALL WHICH THERE WERE A LOT!  THE KIDS STARTED LAYING ON THE PILES.

KYSON ASKED, "IF HE COULD JUST SLEEP IN THEM FOR THE NIGHT."  I HAD TO LAUGH AT THAT COMMENT.

WHILE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT EACH BLANKET THE KIDS STARTED REMINISCING ON WHAT EACH OUTFIT REMINDED THEM OF.

IT WAS FUN TALKING ABOUT THOSE FUN MEMORIES WITH THE KIDS.  

NATE'S AUNT JODI AND MY AUNT TIFF. WERE AMAZING AND HELPED ME GET THEM PUT TOGETHER IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS.  JODI ALSO MADE NATE AND ME OUR VERY OWN BLANKETS, WHICH HAVE SOOO MUCH MEANING NOW.  THAT WOULD BE MY FAVORITE PRESENT THIS YEAR!!!

WE ALSO FOUND A FAMILY THAT WE COULD HELP OUT THIS YEAR FOR THEIR CHRISTMAS.  THEY HAD A 6 YEAR OLD LITTLE GIRL, A 5 YEAR OLD LITTLE GIRL, AND 1 YEAR OLD LITTLE GIRL WHO ALSO SHARED KOLBI'S BIRTHDAY.  I HAD SOOO MUCH FUN SHOPPING FOR THE LITTLE GIRL.  BOUGHT HER CLOTHES THAT I WOULD HAVE BOUGHT FOR KOLBS. THE KIDS ENJOYED PICKING OUT TOYS FOR EACH OF THEM.  IT WAS GREAT INVOLVING THE WHOLE FAMILY ON SERVING OTHERS.

AFTER WRAPPING ALL THE PRESENTS FOR THE CUTE LITTLE FAMILY.

WE ALSO DID SOME GINGERBREAD HOUSES

 THE "BOYS"

AND US "GIRLS"

WE HAD A FEW FAMILY PARTY'S THAT THE "BIG MAN" SHOWED UP FOR..

WE THEN OF COURSE CELEBRATED CHRISTMAS EVE  WITH FAMILY.  WE HAD NATE'S FAMILY OVER FOR CHRISTMAS EVE MORNING WITH  EATING, PLAYING GAMES, EATING, TALKING, EATING AND OPENING PRESENTS.  WE THEN HEADED OVER TO MY  MY PARENTS FOR OUR ANNUAL CHRISTMAS EVE PARTY WITH SOME EATING, PLAYING  GAMES, EATING, OPENING PRESETS AND EATING SOME MORE. 

CHRISTMAS MORNING MY PARENTS CAME OVER TO WATCH THE KIDS OPEN THEIR GIFTS THEN WE HAD TO GET READY FOR CHURCH.  THEN AFTER HEADED DOWN TO MY GRANDPA'S OFFICE IN CENTERVILLE FOR ANOTHER FAMILY PARTY.  I AM SO LUCKY TO HAVE SUCH AN AMAZING FAMILY.  THEY ARE TRULY THE BEST. 

LIFE DOESN'T SUCK IT'S JUST HARD!

I'M TRYING MY HARDEST TO KEEP SMILING!!! 

NATE ASKED ME THE OTHER NIGHT IF I EVER SMILE OR LAUGH ANYMORE.  I THINK I DO PRETTY DARN WELL (CONSIDERING!)

IT HAS BEEN ALMOST 5 MONTHS SINCE THE LAST TIME I KISSED MY LITTLE MAE'S CHEEKS.  

I THINK IT'S HARDER NOW THEN WHEN THE ACCIDENT HAPPENED. 

IT CAUSED SO MUCH ATTENTION THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO THINK AND NOW IT SEEMS LIKE THAT'S ALL I DO!  

EVERY ONE'S LIVES HAVE MOVED ON AND MINE IS IN A STUMP THAT ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE.  I'M TRYING TO FIND MY {NEW} NORMAL.  WHICH I HAVEN'T DONE VERY WELL YET.  

I LOST IT THE OTHER NIGHT, COULDN'T STOP THE TEARS(THAT'S A NEW NORMAL)

BUT, NATE SAT ME DOWN AND TRIED TO SEE WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS.  I JUST STARTED YELLING THAT "LIFE SUCKS!!!" HE CALMLY SAID, " YOUR LIFE DOESN'T SUCK, YOUR LIFE IS HARD!"  THAT WAS A GOOD REMINDER!! MY LIFE REALLY DOESN'T SUCK, IT REALLY IS JUST PLAIN HARD!!! IT'S HARD TO UNDERSTAND OR TO KNOW HOW TO CHANGE, I REALLY DO TRY HARD TO "FIND JOY IN EVERYDAY" I TRY TO COUNT MY BLESSINGS, WHICH I HAVE MANY!!!

SOMETIMES I GUESS I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THE "WHY??!!"  WHY HER?  WHY TO US?? WHY DID I HAVE TO FIGHT SO HARD TO HAVE HER?  WHY? WHY? WHY?  I DON'T ASK WHY ABOUT THE ACCIDENT, UNFORTUNATELY  I TRULY BELIEVE IT HAD TO HAPPEN THAT WAY AND I KNOW THE LORD WAS CARRYING ME THRU IN MY WEAKEST MOMENT.

MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN AMAZING THRU ALL OF THIS!  THEY DROP EVERYTHING TO MAKE SURE I'M OK.  CHERIE' HAS BEEN MY ROCK!  SHE BRINGS ME MY DIET COKE WHEN SHE KNOWS I'M IN NEED!  SHE'S ALWAYS ASKING HOW I AM DOING AND ASK ABOUT KOLBI.  IT JUST FEELS GOOD TO TALK ABOUT HER TO SOMEONE!!!

MY SISTER JUSTI IS NOW PREGNANT, I'M SOOO EXCITED FOR HER AND HER FAMILY!  WHEN MY MOM TOLD ME, I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD EFFECT ME SO HARD LIKE IT DID.  I KNEW SHE WAS TRYING ALONG WITH MY BROTHER AND HIS WIFE AND I THINK...MY OTHER S-I-L.
BUT, REALITY HIT WHEN I GUESS I FOUND OUT.  I CAME HOME CURLED UP IN A BALL AND CRIED FOR 2 DAYS.  I HAVE BEEN PREGNANT THE LAST 2 TIMES WITH MY SISTER AND I GUESS I WAS FEELING LEFT OUT OR STUCK IN MY STUMP WHILE SHE GETS TO MOVE ON.   THAT'S THE OTHER {WHY} I ASK ALOT IS... WHY DID I GET MY TUBES TIED RIGHT AFTER I HAD KOLBI,?  WHY WAS I SO EAGER TO BE DONE WITH HAVING KIDS?  I THOUGHT I WAS CONTENT WITH JUST 3 KIDS AT THE TIME,  WAS I BEING SELFISH AND DOING IT WITHOUT GETTING THE RIGHT ANSWER FROM MY FATHER IN HEAVEN??  NOW IT SEEMS LIKE ALL I DO IS SECOND GUESS MYSELF WITH STERILIZING MYSELF.

I THINK ABOUT HAVING ANOTHER BABY ALL THE TIME.  I THINK IT WOULD HELP ME AND MY KIDS.  UNFORTUNATELY THEIR BABY HUNGRY TOO.  I ASKED NATE IF HE WOULD EVER CONSIDER ADOPTING, HIS COMMENT WAS, "I'D HAVE TO GO CHECK OUT ALL THE BLACK BOY BABIES OUT AND SEE WHICH ONE IS THE TALLEST AND MOST ATHLETIC."
I THINK IT'S HARD FROM GOING FROM HAVING SOMEONE DEPEND ON ME SOOO MUCH TO TWIDDLING MY THUMBS NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO WITH MY TIME.
I'VE HAD BABIES AND TODDLERS IN MY HOME FOR THE PAST 6 YEARS AND NOW MY 2 OLDER KIDS ARE MORE INDEPENDENT, WHERE HALF THE TIME I'M ALL ALONE, LOST OF NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF.  IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH EASIER GRADUALLY GROWING OUT OF THE TODDLER STAGE.

I AM SO LUCKY TO BE SURROUNDED BY SUCH GREAT PEOPLE!!!

Taige's big {5}

TAIGE TURNED {5}!!!
I'M FEELING RATHER OLD! 

(CONSIDERING IT IS MY LAST YEAR IN MY 20'S)

 (I COULDN'T DECIDE ON WHICH PICTURE, THERE BOTH DARLING!!)

WE GAVE TAIGE A (FRIEND)PRINCESS  BIRTHDAY PARTY AND SHE WANTED TO INVITE A SPECIAL PERSON TO HER PARTY, SO WE SENT THE INVITATION IN THE MAIL AND TO HER {SURPRISE} HER SPECIAL SOMEONE CAME!!!

SHE WAS SOOOOO EXCITED TO SEE BELLE AT HER VERY OWN BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!

BELLE TOLD ALL THE LITTLE PRINCESSES HOW YOU REALLY BECOME A PRINCESS AND THEN GAVE THEM A SPECIAL PRINCESS MARK.  EVEN SPIDER MAN WAS ABLE TO GET HIS OWN SPECIAL MARKING....

SHE PAINTED EACH LITTLE PRINCESSES NAILS....

SHE DID A CRAFT AND HAD THEM MAKE THEIR OWN CROWNS...

CARDON JUST DECIDED TO DECORATE HER FACE INSTEAD.

ALL THE CUTE LITTLE PRINCESSES AND OUR VERY OWN SPIDERMAN

TAIGE AND KYSON ARE VERY {BABY HUNGRY} IF THAT'S POSSIBLE.  TAIGE TOLD MY MOM SHE WANTS CARDON FOR HER BIRTHDAY PRESENT

LUCKILY WE HAVE LITTLE NIECES AND NEPHEWS WE GET TO TORMENT!Ü

IT WAS A GREAT BIRTHDAY PARTY TAIGE LOVED EVERY  MINUTE OF IT!  SO DID I!!! ALL I HAD TO DO WAS THE INVITATIONS, CAKE AND ICE CREAM AND SEND THE LITTLE PRINCESSES ON THEIR WAY!!! COULDN'T ASK FOR ANY EASIER!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LITTLE PRINCESS!!! I LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH!

Halloween

I HATE HALLOWEEN!!!  IT USED TO NOT BOTHER ME, BUT NOW I HATE It!  I DON'T KNOW WHY WE CELEBRATE THIS CREEPY, EVIL HOLIDAY.

I HATE KIDS GOING TO CEMETERY'S JUST TO TRY AND MAKE THEMSELVES SCARED,  I GO THERE TO FEEL PEACE AND COMFORT.  

I HATE COFFINS, GRAVES AND TOMBSTONES IN PEOPLES YARDS, I HAD TO BURY MY DAUGHTER AND PUT HER SAFELY IN A CASKET AND SPENT A WEEK IN A HALF TRYING TO DESIGN HER HEADSTONE TO MAKE IT PERFECT FOR HER.  

I HATE PEOPLE TRYING TO JUMP OUT AND SCARE YOU, I TRY HARD EVERYDAY TO MAKE MY KIDS FEEL SAFE AND SECURE AND NOT AFRAID ANYMORE.

I HATE FAKE BLOOD AND YELLOW CAUTION TAPE, I HAVE SEEN AND BEEN THRU A TRAGIC ACCIDENT WHERE TO ME THAT STUFF IS NOT FUN ANYMORE.

I TRIED HOLDING MY TONGUE, BUT I REALLY, REALLY HATE THIS HOLIDAY!

I DON'T THINK IT'S FUN TO MOCK THE DEAD, MAYBE I'M JUST A FUN HATER AND MAYBE IT WON'T HURT SO MUCH AS YEARS PAST.  MAYBE IT'S ALL TO OVERWHELMING RIGHT NOW.   BUT, FOR NOW I HATE THIS HOLIDAY! 

MY KIDS DO ENJOY GETTING THE CANDY, I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL EVER BE READY TO LET THEM BE SOMETHING MEAN OR SCARY.  BUT FOR NOW THEY CAN STAY CUTE AND HAPPY FOR HALLOWEEN!

KYSON WAS BATMAN 

AND TAIGE SAYS SHE'S A "MEAN" WITCH, BUT TO ME SHE LOOKS PRETTY CUTE TO BE MEAN!

TODAY MY LITTLE MAN TURED 6!!! 

I HAVE BEEN PLANNING A {SURPRISE} PARTY FOR HIM.  HE HAD NO IDEA, THIS YEAR IT'S HIS TURN TO HAVE JUST A FAMILY PARTY, SO HE'S GOING TO BE SO {SURPRISED}!  I FIGURED THESE PAST 2.5 MONTH  HAVEN'T BEEN THE FUNNEST SO WHY NOT HAVE A PARTY!!!!

THE FRIENDS WAITING FOR THE {BIG} SURPRISE!

 KY WAS PRETTY SURPRISED AND TOTALLY LOVED HIS BIG DAY!

WE HAD FUN PLAYING PASS THE (HOT) PUMPKIN

AND OF COURSE KY LOVED OPENING PRESENTS

AND EATING HIS BATMAN CAKE

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LITTLE/BIG MAN!!! I LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH!

One Foot in Front of the Other

THIS WEEK WAS A LITTLE HARDER.  I KNOW I AM GOING TO HAVE HIGHS AND LOWS.  I MISS MY "BABY' GIRL.  I KNOW SHE' WASN'T REALLY A BABY ANYMORE, BUT SHE'LL ALWAYS BE MY "BABY".  MY MOM WENT WITH ME TO MY MS APPT. LAST WEEK.  MY DR. HAD REFERRED ME TO A NEW DR. SINCE MY LAST MRI WASN'T VERY GOOD HE WANTS ME TO GET ON A STRONGER MEDICINE, WHICH HE DOESN'T DO.  SO KNOW I AM BACK TO SALT LAKE TO DR. FOLEY.  WHICH I DO LIKE HIM, BUT HIS NURSE PRACTITIONER IS THE "RETARD" WHO TOLD ME I SHOULDN'T GET PREGNANT WITH KOLBI, I AM SO GLAD I IGNORED THE DR.S ADVICE.
SINCE I HADN'T BEEN TO THAT OFFICE IN OVER 2 YEARS WE HAD TO DO A WHOLE FOLLOW UP ON THE PAST COUPLE OF YEARS WITH THEM.  I WAS TRYING MY HARDEST TO GET THE STORY OUT, BUT TOTALLY GOT HER ALL CONFUSED.  SO MY MOM HAD TO SUM IT ALL UP ABOUT THE ACCIDENT AND THE STRESS.  SALLY THE NURSE KIND OF MADE A BIG DEAL OUT OF THE SITUATION AND OF COURSE I STARTED BAWLING.

SOMETIMES IT JUST SEEMS SO SURREAL, THAT IT DIDN'T REALLY HAPPEN THAT'S SHE CAN'T  REALLY BE GONE. 

I CLEANED OUT TAIGE'S CLOSET THE OTHER DAY AND IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS, LIKE.....  BUM CREAM HAD ME IN TEARS.  KYSON AND TAIGE WERE GOOD SPORTS ABOUT THE TEARS.  I WANT THEM TO KNOW THAT IT'S OK TO BE SAD AND TO SHARE THEIR FEELINGS. TAIGE'S ROOM IS DONE.  WELL NOT DONE I STILL WANT TO DO STENCILS OR STRIPED WALL PAPER, BUT HER BED IS UP AND THE CRIB IS DOWN.

IT WAS KIND OF A BAD DAY CLEANING THE CLOSET OUT AND FINDING LITTLE THINGS OF KOLBS. SO I CALLED NATE AND TOLD HIM I WAS COMING TO GET HIM AFTER WORK AND THAT WE WERE GOING TO THE TEMPLE.  WE DID SEALINGS AND IT WAS "GREAT" HEARING THE WORDS AGAIN, AND FEELING REASSURED THAT "OUR FAMILY IS FOREVER!"

TAIGE HAS DONE AWESOME SLEEPING IN HER NEW BED.  I'M GLAD SHE'S NOT SLEEPING ON MY FLOOR NEXT TO ME ANYMORE.

 LAST NIGHT WAS THE FIRST TIME IN THE PAST 2 WEEKS SHE ASKED IF I WOULD LAY WITH HER.  HER BED IS SOOOO COMFY SO I DIDN'T MIND.  BUT, AS I CRAWLED IN AND WRAPPED KOLBI'S DUCK BLACKET AROUND ME, I KNEW I WASN'T GOING BACK TO SLEEP.  MY MIND STARTED WONDERING AND THINKING ABOUT KOLBI.  I REMEMBER GOING INTO THE ROOM JUST TO STARE AT MY SWEET BABY SLEEPING.  I REMEMBER SHE WAS A CRAZY SLEEPER.  NATE AND I WOULD HAVE THE 2 OLDER KIDS WATCH A MOVIE ON OUR BED WHILE WE/I WOULD HOLD KOLBI WHILE SHE DRANK HER MILK BEFORE BED.  THEN NATE AND I WOULD FIGHT OVER WHO WAS GOING TO PUT HER IN BED, (WHICH USUALLY WAS ME, I KNOW HOW TO GET WHAT I WANT!Ü) THEN 15-20 MINS. LATER WE WOULD ROUND THE OTHER TWO UP AND PUT THEM TO BED.  I REMEMBER I WOULD GO TO THE CRIB JUST TO WATCH HER SLEEP AND LAUGH AND MAKE NATE COME IN AND SEE THE POSITION SHE WOULD BE IN.  SHE ALWAYS HAD HER LEGS DANGLING OUT OF THE RAILS OF HER CRIB OR SHE'D BE IN A LITTLE BALL WITH HER BUM IN THE AIR WITH HER NOSED SMASHED UP TO THE MATTRESS.

AS I LAYED IN TAY'S NEW BED WITH MY MIND GOING IN EVERY DIRECTION, I STARTED TO HAVE  A FEAR THAT I WAS STARTING TO FORGET WHAT KOLBI LOOKED LIKE OR THE FUNNY THINGS SHE DID.  I DON'T EVER WANT TO FORGET, BUT AT TIMES IT IS HARD TO PICTURE HER CUTE FACE UNTIL I LOOK AT AN ACTUAL PICTURE.  

MY MOM SAID IT PERFECT THE OTHER DAY, "WE LOOK AT THE OBITUARY PICTURE AND THINK, "OH WHAT A CUTE PICTURE", BUT THEN WE FIND ALL THESE OTHER ONES THAT SHOW HER PERSONALITY AND IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE THAT SHE'S REALLY GONE AND WE'RE NOT GOING TO SEE THAT ANYMORE."

I AM SO GLAD I SPENT EVERY MINUTE WITH KOBLI LOVING ON HER AND KISSING HER.  SHE LIT UP MY DAY.  I WAS TOTALLY CONTENT PLAYING WITH HER ON THE FLOOR ALL DAY LONG WITHOUT HAVING A CARE IN THE WORLD.  MY HOUSE WAS A MESS THERE WAS LAUNDRY THAT WASN'T FOLDED OR PUT AWAY, BUT I DIDN'T CARE.  I WAS ENJOYING MY TIME WITH MY KIDS.  KOLBI  LOVED KYSON AND TAIGE!  SHE ALREADY WAS STARTING TO LOOK UP TO THE BOTH OF THEM.  THEY LOVED ON HER JUST AS MUCH AS I DID.  

I WENT TO THE RS BROADCAST SATURDAY NIGHT AND PRESIDENT UCHTDORF GAVE SUCH A GREAT TALK.  HE TALKED ABOUT THE "FORGET ME NOT" FLOWER.  I AM DEF. GOING TO GET ME SOME IN THE SPRING!
HE SAID, "Sisters, wherever you are, whatever the circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you, with an infinite love.
Sisters, there is something inspiring and sublime about the little forget-me-not flower. I hope it will be a symbol of the little things that make your lives joyful and sweet. Please never forget that you must be patient and compassionate with yourselves, that some sacrifices are better than others, that you need not wait for a golden ticket to be happy. Please never forget that the “why” of the gospel of Jesus Christ will inspire and uplift you. And never forget that your Heavenly Father knows, loves, and cherishes you."
  HE  ALSO TALKED ABOUT EACH 5 PETALS AND WHAT NOT TO FORGET....(HOPEFULLY I CAN REMEMBER THEM)
1. FORGET NOT... THAT OUR FATHER LOVES YOU AND KNOWS YOU
2. FORGET NOT...TO BE HAPPY
3. FORGET NOT... WHAT IS IMPORTANT

4. FORGET NOT...YOUR WORTH

5. FORGET NOT... ????

I NEEDED THAT TO END MY LOOONG WEEK!
I DID GO OUT WITH THE GIRLS FRIDAY NIGHT, WE HAD A BLAST!  I AM SO THANKFUL FOR SUCH AMAZING FRIENDS WHO I KNOW I CAN LEAN ON OR GO TO WHEN I'M DOWN.  THEY WANTED TO GO OUT AND SEE KOLBI'S HEADSTONE.  THAT MADE MY DAY! I WAS SO EXCITED THAT THEY WANTED TOO EVEN THOUGH IT WAS DARK AND LATE.  THEY ALL HAD THEIR PHONES LIGHTING IT UP SO THAT THEY COULD SEE IT.  

THANKS GIRLS, THAT MEANT ALOT! ♥ YOU ALL!

KYSON HAS BEEN PLAYING SOCCER AND LOVES IT!! I LIKE TO SAY HE IS THE "STAR PLAYER" HE MAKES 6 OR MORE GOALS EACH GAME. IT'S SO FUN TO WATCH HIM ENJOY SPORTS.  I AM DEF. THE CHEERLEADER MOM, THAT I SWORE I WOULD NEVER BE!

AHHH I HAVE ALOT OF FEELINGS SWELLING UP INSIDE RIGHT NOW.  I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR MY WONDERFUL, LOVING HUSBAND.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITH OUT HIM!  SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT THEY WOULD RATHER LOSE THEIR SPOUSE BEFORE A CHILD BUT, NOT ME!!! I STILL HAVE A SHOULDER TO LEAN ON AND A PARTNER TO GRIEVE WITH, WHO IS GOING THRU THE SAME THING! 

SOMETIMES I THINK THAT OUR TRIAL WAS NOT LOSING OUR BABY, WE KNOW WHERE SHE IS AND THAT SHE'S SAFE.  THAT'S WERE OUR FAITH COMES IN.  I THINK SOMETIMES OUR TRIAL IS GETTING OUR OTHER 2 KIDS THRU IT AND GET THEM BACK TO OUR HEAVENLY HOME.  IT'S BEEN A BATTLE THE LAST FEW DAYS WITH KYSON.  I HOPE IT'S JUST A PHASE OF HIS GRIEVING  OR JUST A 5-6 YEAR OLD BOY THING.  HIS PERSONALITY HAS DEF. TRIED NATE AND I.  I LOVE MY KIDS SO MUCH THAT I WANT THE BEST FOR EACH OF THEM, SO I HOPE NATE AND I CAN PULL THRU THIS STAGE AND OVERCOME WHAT IS THROWN AT US.

WE SURPRISED THE KIDS WITH A PLANE RIDE TO DISNEYLAND, IT WAS A MUCH NEEDED VACATION FOR OUR FAMILY.  THE KIDS LOVED THE SURPRISE JUST AS MUCH AS I LOVED WATCHING THEIR REACTION! (Pictures to come soon!)
TAIGE WAS THE BEST AGE, SHE LOVED ALL THE CHARACTERS AND GAVE EACH OF THEM A KISS AND THEN WOULD WALK AWAY BLOWING KISSES.

THE OTHER BIG NEWS WITH KOLBS. IS HER HEADSTONE IS IN.  IT'S PERFECT!!!  THAT WAS DEF. THE HARDEST THING TO PUT TOGETHER.  I WANTED SOMETHING "SIMPLE" FOR MY SWEET BABY, YET CUTE WITHOUT GETTING FRILLY.  NATE AND I LOVED HOW IT TURNED OUT.

IT'S KINDA HARD TO SEE IN THE PICTURE BUT, IT HAS HER NAME {BIG} WHICH I WANTED THAT TO STAND OUT THE MOST. THEN HER BIRTH DATE FEB.10,2010 AND HER HEAVEN DATE JULY 24,2011
UNDER NEATH THAT IS "OUR PRECIOUS ANGEL BABY" AND THEN DAUGHTER OF NATHAN AND CHELSEY
ON THE BACK....

" I AM A CHILD OF GOD AND I HAVE GONE AHEAD MY
EARTHLY LIFE AS BRIEF BUT OH SUCH PEACE AND
LOVE YOU GAVE. YOU LOVED ME, HELD ME, STOOD BESIDE
ME AND THOUGH I CANNOT STAY.  YOU GAVE ME MUCH
TO HELP ME AND I LIVE WITH HIM TODAY.  I AM
A CHILD OF GOD AND I WILL WAIT FOR YOU. CELESTRIAL
GLORY SHALL BE OURS, IF YOU CAN BUT ENDURE.
I'LL LEAD YOU, GUIDE YOU, WALK BESIDE YOU
HELP YOU FIND THE WAY.
I'LL WELCOME YOU WITH OPEN ARMS
ONE BRIGHT CELESTRIAL DAY."

 TAIGE IS ALWAYS TAKING "DUMB" PICTURES, IT COULD BE OF HER HAND, HER NOSE, THE FLOOR, THE COUCH SOMETIMES I JUST HOPE SHE'S NOT GETTING PICTURES OF MY BUM.  BUT, SHE'S BEEN DOING IT ALOT LATELY SO LAST NIGHT I TOLD HER, "NO MORE" I'M SICK OF HAVING OT GO DELETE 50 AT A TIME.  WELL THIS MORNING AS I WAS GOING TO GO DELETE HER "DUMB" PICTURES, I STARTED GOING THRU THEM AND MY MEMORY STICK WASN'T IN SO SHE HAS TAKEN "DUMB" PICTURES BEFORE WITHOUT MY MEMORY CARD IN AND SHE HAD TAKEN 20-25 PICTURES OF KOLBI.  AHHHH THE JOY, EXCITEMENT AND THE TEARS I HAD THIS MORNING WERE WONDERFUL.  EVEN IF THERE WERE SOME OF THE TOP OF KOLBI'S HEAD OR JUST HER HAND.  KOLBI FOLLOWED TAIGE EVERYWHERE WANTED TO BE JUST LIKE HER.  SO HOW GRATEFUL AM I THAT I KNOW HAVE ALL THESE NEW "DUMB" PICTURES THAT I WILL NOW TREASURE FOREVER!  NEVER AGAIN WILL I GET MAD FOR TAIGE TAKING "DUMB" PICTURES AGAIN!
{LOVE YOU MISS MAE!}

:WORDS:

 :WORDS: KOLBI WAS SAYING
HI (SHE LOVED WAVING HI AND BYE)
MUM

MUMMA

DA (DAD)

NO NO (WITH HER FINGER POINTING UP & DOWN)

AGE (TAIGE)

Y (KYSON)

PAPA

SHS (SHOES)

SHE LOVED SHOES, SHE DEF. HAD A SHOE FETISH

HORSE

DOG

DUCK (AND THEN SHE WOULD QUACK)
BALL
BAOON (BALLOON) WE WOULD PULL UP TO LITTLE CESAR'S AND SHE WOULD START YELLING BAOON AND AT WALMART SHE WOULD POINT OUT ALL THE BAOONS!
NA NIGH ( NIGHT NIGHT)
SHE BLEW KISSES
SHE DID KNUCKELS
MY FAV. WAS KNUCKELS AND THEN SHE'D BLOW IT UP

THIS WEEKEND WAS ALOT BETTER THEN LAST!  FOR SOME REASON I WASN'T AS EMOTIONAL!  I STILL MISS MY "BABY", I DON'T THINK THAT WILL EVER GO AWAY!! BUT, I WAS ABLE TO TALK ABOUT HER WITHOUT THE TEARS FLOWING THIS WEEKEND!

WE TOOK KYSON AND TAIGE TO GO MEET WITH A PHYSCOLOGIST THURSDAY, AND IT WENT REALLY WELL.  THE BEST WORDS I HAVE HEARD FOR A WHILE WERE, " THEY ARE BOTH NORMAL, AND THEY ARE BOTH GRIEVING VERY WELL."  AHHH HOW REFRESHING TO KNOW THAT BOTH OF THEM ARE GOING TO BE ALRIGHT AFTER GOING THRU SOMETHING SO TRAGIC!  DR. JENSEN SAID, 'THEY ARE BOTH GRIEVING IN THEIR OWN WAYS BUT, THEY ARE SHOWING AND TELLING THEIR FEELINGS WHICH IS AWESOME!" HE SAID, "FOR AFTER GOING THRU WHAT WE ALL HAVE BEEN THRU IN THE PAST 5 WEEKS, WE ALL SEEM TO BE DOING WELL AND GRIEVING LIKE WE SHOULD BE."   I AM SO GLAD KYSON IS TALKING AND ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT KOLBI AND ABOUT THE ACCIDENT, IT'S GOING TO MAKE HIM A STRONGER LITTLE BOY! AND TAIGE IS MORE EMOTIONAL I THINK IT'S A "GIRL" THING!  BUT, NATE AND I KNOW WHAT TO LOOK OUT FOR NOW AND WHAT TO EXPECT.

KYSON HAS BEEN CAMPING ALL WEEKEND WITH NICOLE'S FAMILY, SO IT'S JUST BEEN TAY AND I.  A LITTLE DIFFERENT FROM GOING FROM 2 GIRLS EVERY WHERE TO 1.  TAIGE WENT SHOPPING AND OUT TO DINNER WITH NATE AND I ON FRIDAY NIGHT, AND WHILE WE WERE AT THE MALL, SHE BEGGED TO GET EARRINGS IN.  SO WE LET HER, SHE DIDN'T EVEN BUDGE WITH THE EAR GUN.  SHE DID A GREAT JOB AND WAS SOOO BIG.
THEN SATURDAY NIGHT HAD TO WORK FOR A 1/2 DAY SO I TOOK HER TO GO SEE "SMURFS", SUCH A CUTE SHOW.  THEN OF COURSE DID SOME SHOPPING WHILE AT THE MALL AGAIN!  LATER THAT NIGHT WE WENT AND BOUGHT SOME PLANTS AND SHRUBS FOR THE FLOWER BEDS.  I TOLD NATE  I WANT ALOT OF BIG "PINK" FLOWERS NEXT SPRING, IN HONOR OF "KOLBI MAE".

SUNDAY WAS FAST SUNDAY AND BEFORE CHURCH NATE KEPT SAYING HOW HUNGRY HE WAS, I FINALLY ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATE?? HE TOLD ME, "NO, I'M FASTING. AND IT'S LIKE MY FIRST TIME EVER!" I WAS SHOCKED I DIDN'T KNOW HE HAD NEVER FASTED BEFORE ON A FAST SUNDAY!  MY HUBBY HAS TURNED OVER A NEW LEAF!!
A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO ANOTHER MAN IN OUR WARD PASSED AWAY Larry BRAND, WHEN I HAD LEARNED ABOUT HIS DEATH, I TOLD MY NEIGHBOR THAT OUR WARD IS "JINXED".  WELL DURING SACRAMENT SISTER BRANDS BROTHER STOOD UP AND BORE HIS TESTIMONY ON HOW PRAYERS FOR OTHERS REALLY DO COMFORT THEM.  THE SPIRIT WAS BEATING IN MY CHEST,  I KNOW THE PRAYERS, I FELT THE COMFORT OF EVERY ONE'S PRAYERS, I KNOW OUR SAVIOR CARRIES YOU THRU, THRU YOUR TRIBULATIONS.  I KNOW THE SPIRIT WAS WORKING ON ME TO GET UP AND BEAR MY TESTIMONY,  BUT IN THE BACK OF MY MIND ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS, "I'M GOING TO GET THE LOOKS, I'M GOING TO BALL LIKE A BABY KNOWING I'M TALKING ABOUT KOLBI." SO I SAID A QUICK QUIET PRAYER, ASKING OUR FATHER IN HEAVEN TO HELP ME, IF HE WANTS ME TO GET UP THERE,  THEN I KNOW I AM GOING TO NEED THE STRENGTH.  SURE ENOUGH AFTER I WAS DONE, I STOOD UP AND STARTED WALKING UP TO THE PULPIT.  I KNOW MY FATHER WAS HELPING ME, I HAD SO MUCH I WANTED TO SAY, BEING IN THE BRAND'S SHOES I KNOW HOW THEY ARE FEELING RIGHT NOW.  I WAS ABLE TO STAND UP THERE WITHOUT CRYING THE WHOLE TIME, I WAS ABLE TO SAY WHAT I WANTED TO SAY.  I KNOW OUR FATHER IN HEAVEN WANTED ME TO GET UP THERE AND I KNOW HE WAS HELPING ME THE WHOLE TIME STANDING UP THERE.   I LOVE THIS GOSPEL AND I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR THE KNOWLEDGE IT GIVES US!!!

NATE HAS ALWAYS BEEN A "GOOD GUY" BUT, THAT'S AS FAR AS HE TOOK IT, HE DIDN'T SERVE A MISSION SO HE WASN'T ABLE TO LEARN AS MUCH AS MISSIONARY'S DO.  NEITHER NATE OR I HAVE EVER READ THE BOOK OF MORMON ALL THE WAY THRU, BUT NOW THAT IS ALL HE DOES IS READ.  HE HAS CHANGED IMMENSELY,  HE TAKES CHARGE OF FHE, SCRIPTURE STUDY WITH THE KIDS, AND FAMILY PRAYERS.   IT'S NOT JUST ME TACKLING EVERYONE TO GET IT DONE.  I FINALLY FEEL LIKE I HAVE THE PERSIDER IN MY HOME! HE IS FINALLY TAKING CHARGE.  THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT!
KOLBI HAS SET THE BAR HIGH FOR US, AND BY DANG IT, WE ARE GOING TO REACH IT, GRAB HOLD TIGHT AND MAKE IT BACK TO HER.  WHAT AN EXAMPLE SHE AS BEEN FOR NATE AND I! 
I LOVE YOU "MISS MAE"!!

WILL THE PAIN EVER GO AWAY??/

MY HEART IS BROKEN TODAY, I MISS MY "LITTLE MISS MAE" BY MY SIDE.

THERE'S BEEN A LOT HAPPEN THRU OUT THE PAST 5 WEEKS(YES! IT'S ACTUALLY BEEN 5 WEEKS, CRAZY!) THAT I DON'T WANT TO FORGET.  I ALSO DON'T WANT TO FORGET WHAT WORDS KOLBI WAS SAYING, SO I WANT TO WRITE THEM ALL DOWN.  

I HAVE HAD A COUPLE OF HARD DAYS LATELY.  I THINK OF KOLBI ALL THE TIME AND MISS HER LIKE CRAZY!! NATE AND I WENT TO OUR WARD TEMPLE NIGHT THIS LAST SATURDAY AND I STILL GET ANXIETY AND PANIC ATTACKS FIRST WALKING IN THE DOORS AND I'M VERY EMOTIONAL BUT IN THE CELESTRIAL ROOM, I WAS OVERWHELMED, MY CHEST STARTED HURTING AND IT WAS HARD TO BREATHE.  MY BISHOP AND HIS WIFE WERE THERE, AND SEEING THEM SMILING AND MY BISHOP TRYING HARD NOT TO LET A TEAR RUN OFF HIS CHEEK I BROKE DOWN IN TEARS.  I KNOW THE TEMPLE IS THE CLOSEST PLACE WE CAN BE CLOSE TO KOLBI, I JUST WISHED I COULD HOLD HER AND KISS HER (WHILE BEING THEREÜ)

NATE AND I HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO GO DOWN TO THE CHURCH OFFICES AND MEET

WITH ELDER C. SCOTT GROW  OF THE First Quorum of the Seventy THURSDAY  AUG. 25TH.  IT WAS AN AMAZING EXPERIENCE ONE I DON'T THINK EITHER OF US WILL FORGET.

  FIRST HE SAT US DOWN, ASKED HOW WE MET, WHERE WE GREW UP AND WHERE WE ARE LIVING AT NOW.  IT WAS JUST LIKE TALKING TO OUR GRANDPA'S OUT FISHING IT WAS SO RELAXED, AND HE MADE US FEEL SO COMFORTABLE.  HE THEN ASKED ABOUT THE ACCIDENT, WHICH NATE WAS ABLE TO TELL AND HE DID A GREAT JOB.  ELDER GROW HAS SEEN THIS BEFORE WITH HIS SISTER-IN-LAWS FAMILY THE SAME THING HAPPENED BUT IT WAS A 3 YEAR OLD LITTLE BOY.  SO WHEN HE HAD HEARD ABOUT OUR FAMILY HE WANTED TO MEET WITH US.  THE SPIRIT WAS SO STRONG IN HIS OFFICE, HE ANSWERED ALL OF OUR QUESTIONS ALONG WITH FINDING THEM IN THE SCRIPTURES.  HE TALKED TO US ALOT ON THE "SEALING POWER" IT 'S ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT ORDINANCES OF OUR CHURCH AND KNOWING THAT WE ARE SEALED FOR OUR FAMILIES FOR ETERNITY.  HE SAID ,"KOLBI IS OURS!" AHHH I LOVED HEARING THAT.  SHE IS MINE AND I WILL BE ABLE TO RAISE HER AGAIN AND LOVE ON HER AND KISS HER.  AGH..I CAN'T WAIT FOR THAT GLORIOUS DAY TO COME. 

NATE ASKED, "WHY DID IT HAVE TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS?" THE FIRST THING ELDER GROW SAID WAS, "YOU AGREED TO IT, YOU KNEW YOU COULD HANDLE THE PAIN, YOU GAVE HER,HER BODY THAT'S ALL SHE NEEDED ON THIS EARTH,  IT'S ALL PART OF H.F'S PLAN FOR US. HE IS KNOWLEDGEABLE OF WHAT HAPPENS DOWN HERE ON EARTH, JESUS SUFFERED IN GETHSEMANE FOR NOT ONLY OUR SINS BUT, FOR OUR PAIN AND SORROWS AS WELL. ONE DAY, HE WILL LIFT THAT PAIN OFF OF YOU, YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE KOLBI IN YOUR HEARTS, BUT ONE DAY THE PAIN WILL BE GONE."   HE IS AN AMAZING MAN WHO BELIEVES WHAT HE SAYS IS TRUE AND I'M SURE ALOT OF IT COMES FROM OUR FATHER IN HEAVEN.  HE ALSO ASKED NATE IF HE FEELS ANY "GUILT?" I WAS SO GLAD TO HEAR THAT QUESTION, THINKING  TO MYSELF, 'I HAVEN'T EVEN ASKED NATE THAT!" I WAS SO EXCITED AND SO COMFORTED HEARING NATE'S ANSWER, WHICH WAS, "NO!" I HURRIED AND SPOKE UP AND SAID, " I DON'T EVEN SEE NATE IN THE ACCIDENT, I SEE HIM TRYING TO TAKE CARE AND PROTECT OUR BABY!" THEN ELDER GROW SAID, HOW STRONG WE ARE AND HOW MUCH LOVE HE CAN SEE THAT WE HAVE FOR EACHOTHER. 

HE THEN GAVE BOTH NATE AND I A BLESSING.  THEY WERE AMAZING AND THE SPIRIT WAS SO STRONG!  ELDER GROW HAD A FEW TEARS FROM HIS CHEEK AND OF COURSE I WAS CRYING LIKE A BABY.  BUT, I TRULY BELIEVE THOSE WORDS HE SPOKE CAME FROM OUR HEAVENLY FATHER.  HE GAVE US BOTH A HUG AND SAID, "YOUR GOING TO BE ABLE TO HOLD YOUR SWEET KOLBI AGAIN!"  WE THANKED HIM FOR HIS TIME AND WALKED WITH OUR HEADS HIGH TO THE TRUCK.

WE HAVE BEEN BLESSED THRU OUT ALL OF THIS.  NATE AND I DON'T DO THE "WHAT-IF'S OR THE SHOULD HAVES" THEY WON'T GET US ANY WHERE SO WE TRY AND LOOK AT THE POSITIVE SIDE OF EVERYTHING.  THERE HAVE BEEN SOOO MANY PEOPLE WHO HAVE REACHED OUT TO US,  SOME PEOPLE WHO WE DON'T EVEN KNOW, OR SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN IN OUR VERY SHOES. IT MADE US REMEMBER WHAT GREAT PEOPLE THERE ARE IN THIS WICKED WORLD WE LIVE IN.  

THE NIGHT BEFORE MEETING WITH ELDER GROW, I WAS A WRECK, I FELT LIKE THE WORLD WAS AGAINST US.  PEOPLE WERE MAKING UP LIES ABOUT ME AND MY HUSBAND, THEY JUST WANTED TO GOSSIP, THEY WERE TELLING ABOUT THE ACCIDENT IN THE  MOST AWFUL, GRUESOME WAY.  I WAS TALKING TO MY MOM ON THE PHONE BAWLING NOT KNOWING WHY SOMEONE WOULD WANT TO ADD ON OUR HEART ACHE, I GUESS I WAS GETTING MADDER AND MADDER AND MY MOM  SAID, "CHELS. YOU HAVE SATAN IN YOU RIGHT NOW, YOU HAVE NOT TALKED THIS THIS, THIS WHOLE TIME, YOU ARE LETTING HIM WIN." AFTER SHE HAD POINTED THAT OUT TO ME, I REALIZED I WAS LETTING THE BITTERNESS GET ME,  I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY TO DECK SOMEONE IN THE FACE AT THAT MOMENT.  I HAD NATE GIVE ME A BLESSING THAT NIGHT, AND AFTER HE WAS DONE IT WAS LIKE A HUGE BURDEN HAD BEEN TAKEN OFF OF ME AND I DECIDED TO PUT A WALL UP.  WHAT EVER SOMEONE HAS TO SAY NEGATIVE WILL JUST BOUNCE OFF, WITHOUT EFFECTING ME.  I KNOW HOW NATE AND I ARE DOING, I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES, I KNOW THAT I AM TRYING TO BE THE BEST MOM I CAN BE TO 2 BEAUTIFUL, HEATH LY KIDS. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT OTHERS THINK OR I SAY, CAUSE I KNOW!!!  I HAVE THE MOST AMAZING FAMILY, FRIENDS, NEIGHBORS AND WARD. THEY ARE THE ONES I WANT TO SURROUND MYSELF WITH.  THEY KEEP A POSITIVE OUTLOOK NOT BITTERNESS.

SUNDAY NIGHT WE WENT TO THE SEE KOLBI'S GRAVE, IT'S SO WEIRD CEMETERY'S USED TO FREAK ME OUT, BUT NOW I FEEL SO MUCH COMFORT BEING THERE.  I LOVE GOING AND VISITING KOLBI.  WHEN WE WERE THERE KYSON SAID, "THE DAYS ARE GETTING BETTER HUH!" NATE SAID, "YEA BUDDY THEY ARE" THAT MADE MY DAY! KYSON IS A VERY PROTECTIVE BROTHER, AND HE STILL ASK QUESTIONS ALL THE TIME ABOUT KOLBI.  TAIGE JUST TELLS MEMORIES OF KOLBI, LIKE, "SHE LIKED THIS MOVIE HUH MOM, SHE LIKED TO DANCE WITH ME TO THE MUSIC." (DANCING WITH THE STARS)  I AM ALWAYS TRYING TO TALK ABOUT KOLBI SO THAT MY KIDS KNOW IT'S OK TO TALK ABOUT HER.  I WANT THEM TO BE ABLE TO EXPRESS THEIR FEELING S WHETHER THEIR HAPPY, MAD OR SAD.  WE DEF. HAVE MANY EMOTIONS AROUND OUR HOUSEHOLD!Ü

THE NIGHT BEFORE THE FUNERAL, NATE AND I SAT THEM DOWN TO KIND OF TALK TO THEM WHAT WAS GOING TO TAKE PLACE THE NEXT DAY AND TALK TO THEM ABOUT THE SPIRIT AND THE BODY, KYSON WAS STILL KIND OF MAD AT NATE FOR THE ACCIDENT, AND AFTER WE WERE DONE TALKING KYSON LOOKED AT NATE AND SAID, "I KNOW IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT DAD, I JUST WISHED IT WAS ME AND NOT HER."  TALK ABOUT MY HEARTBREAKING IN 100 PIECES.  HE LOVED HIS SISTER SO MUCH, HE WANTED TO PROTECT HER. I JUST CLAPPED MY HANDS AND SAID, " WELL I GUESS WE HAVE TO MAKE YOU PERFECT THEN SO YOU CAN SEE HER AGAIN."  THE OTHER THING KYSON SAID WAS... NATE AND I WERE CLEANING PAINT BRUSHES OUTSIDE THIS WEEKEND AND I SAID, " LET'S TRY AND TAKE THE CRIB DOWN TODAY." NATE SAID, "WELL WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH IT?" I SAID, "LET'S JUST TAKE IT TO THE DUMPS IT'S OLD ANYWAYS. " KYSON JUMPED IN SAYNG, "NO, YOU CAN'T GET RID OF HER BED, WHAT'S SHE GOING TO SLEEP ON WHEN HER SPIRIT COMES BACK TO HER BODY?' OH THE INNOCENCE OF A CHILD. HE IS A GREAT BIG BROTHER AND HE MISSES HER EVERYDAY,  BUT, LIKE HE SAID "THE DAYS ARE GETTING BETTER!"

ONE DAY WE WILL GET TO HOLD HER AGAIN AND HAVE HER BACK IN OUR LIVES.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT PEOPLE DO NOT KNOWING THE GOSPEL?!? I WAS HOME ALONE THE OTHER DAY ALL BY MYSELF GOING A LITTLE CRAZY FEELING A LITTLE LOST.  I WOULD HATE NOT KNOWING ABOUT LIFE AFTER DEATH.  

 WHAT A BLESSING IT IS TO KNOW AND HAVE THE GOSPEL IN MY LIFE!

LIFE THRU US A CURVE BALL

ON JULY 24TH OUR LIVES TURNED UPSIDE DOWN!

Kolbi Mae Christensen

Kolbi Mae Christensen left this world and entered her Heavenly Father’s loving arms on July 24, 2011. She was born in Ogden, UT on February 10, 2010 to Nathan Christensen and Chelsey “Crowther” Christensen. Kolbi was a bright, happy little girl who had a passion for life, her family, and hugs and kisses. She loved to play with her big brother and big sister, who tended to her lovingly. She was her Daddy’s little shadow and she loved giving kisses to her Mommy. She was an adored, loving, sweet little thing who was just too perfect for this world. Though her stay with us was short, she made an imprint upon every heart that knew her. She will be missed greatly, but our family is eternal and we all look forward to being with her once again.

Kolbi is survived by her parents; big brother Kyson 5 and big sister Taige 4. She is also survived by her grandparents Chad and Kristine Crowther (Plain City) and Craig and Robyn Christensen (Tremonton) and all her loving Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins. She was preceded in death by her cousin, Braison Hullinger.

The family expresses thanks to the Weber County Sheriff’s Department and Ogden Paramedic Unit, including her Uncle Matt, who was the EMT on site.

Funeral services will be held at 11 a.m. on Wednesday, July 27, 2011 at the Farr West 4th Ward, 2132 W. 2700 N. Friends and Family may gather for a viewing prior to services from 9:00 to 10:30 a.m.

Interment, Plain City Cemetery.

In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to America First Credit Union in the name of Kolbi Mae Christensen.

MY BABY RETURNED HOME TO OUR LOVING HEAVENLY FATHER. HER LIFE WITH US WAS BRIEF, BUT HER MISSION WAS COMPLETED HERE ON EARTH.
THEY SAY "WRITING HELPS THE PAIN AND THE GRIEVING PROCESS" SO I'VE DECIDED TO START WRITING MY FEELINGS DOWN. I HOPE I DON'T HURT ANY ONE'S FEELINGS WITH WHAT I WRITE, THIS IS JUST FOR ME TO GET MY THOUGHTS DOWN AND EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN OPINIONS. I ALSO I HOPE I DON'T GET TO MUCH IN DETAIL, BUT I DO FEEL LIKE I NEED TO PUT THEM DOWN IN WORDS AS WELL.

FIRST OFF... NATE AND I ARE DOING WELL (CONSIDERING) I THINK I AM MORE IN ♥LOVE♥ WITH THIS MAN THEN I EVER HAVE BEEN IN OUR 8 YEAR OF MARRIAGE. HE IS STRONGER THEN I EVER GAVE HIM CREDIT FOR. HE IS THE ROCK THAT IS HOLDING OUR FAMILY TOGETHER RIGHT NOW!!!

THE FIRST PART OF SUMMER I LET MY 2 OLDER KIDS RUN WILD WITH THE NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS, RUNNING BACK AND FORTH FROM HOUSE TO HOUSE. NEVER THOUGHT ANYTHING ABOUT IT. BUT, THEN ABOUT THE END OF JUNE HAD STRONG FEELINGS TO GO OUTSIDE AND WATCH THEM CAUSE I JUST "DIDN'T HAVE GOOD FEELINGS" MY NEIGHBORS THOUGHT I WAS NUTS SITTING OUTSIDE IN THE 90+ HEAT JUST WATCHING ALL THE KIDS PLAY, AND WATCHING KOLBI ON HER TRIKE AND HER TRYING TO KEEP WITH THE BIG KIDS. I ACTUALLY TOLD THEM "I WAS HAVING BAD FEELINGS , LIKE I FELT LIKE SOMEONE WAS GOING TO GET HURT." SO THE REST OF THE SUMMER I SAT AND ENJOYED WATCHING THEM PLAY AND WATCHING KOLBI EXPLORE. HER BEST FRIEND WAS TITAN(OUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR WHO IS 8-9 MONTHS OLDER) AND WE CALLED THEM KISSING FRIENDS, WHEN THEY WOULD SEE EACH OTHER THEY WOULD RUN TO EACH OTHER AND GIVE ONE ANOTHER A HUG OR A KISS.

4 DAYS BEFORE THE ACCIDENT MY NEIGHBOR CAME OVER AN ASKED IF I HAD HEARD ABOUT THE BISHOPS SON??? I HADN'T SO J.R GOES ON TO TELL ME THAT HE HAD DIED ON A FAMILY VACATION SINCE HIS BROTHER JUST RETURNED HOME THE WEEK BEFORE FROM HIS MISSION. HE WAS RIDING HIS BIKE DOWN POWDER MTN. RD AND HIT SOME GRAVEL AND FELL, HE WAS WEARING ALL THE APPROPRIATE GEAR, JUST HIT HIS HEAD IN THE WRONG SPOT. I WAS HEARTBROKEN FOR THE SOLEBERG FAMILY AFTER HEARING THE AWFUL NEWS.

THE DAY AFTER HEARING ABOUT THE BISHOPS FAMILY, 3 DAYS PRIOR TO THE ACCIDENT, I WAS SITTING OUTSIDE ON MY STEPS WATCHING THE KIDS RUNNING AND PLAYING AS I HAD DONE ALL SUMMER, I HAD ANOTHER FEELING BUT IT WAS A STRONGER FEELING THEN THE TIME BEFORE. I REMEMBER I KEPT THINKING ABOUT KOLBI, BUT THEN I COULD ONLY SEE KYSON AND TAIGE PLAYING, I COULDN'T SEE KOLBI, WHICH I'M SURE SHE WAS SITTING NEXT TO ME OR PLAYING BY THE GARAGE, BECAUSE I NEVER TOOK MY EYES OFF OF HER. BUT I COULDN'T SEE HER JUST THE 2 OLDER KIDS.

I KNOW IT WAS THE LORD TRYING TO PREPARE ME FOR WHAT WAS TO COME NEXT. AFTER THE FEELING I HAD HAD I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, "NOTHING WILL EVER HAPPEN TO US"!
THE NEXT DAY WAS SATURDAY AND WE ENJOYED BEING TOGETHER AS A FAMILY GETTING ERRANDS DONE AROUND THE HOUSE AND YARD.
SUNDAY WE WENT TO CHURCH LIKE A NORMAL, NATE AND I FOUGHT OVER WHO WAS GOING TO TAKE KOLBI DURING CLASSES, I JUST HAD TO CONDUCT IN PRIMARY SO I WAS FINE TAKING HER, BUT FOR SOME REASON SHE JUST SEEMED TO WANT NATE. SO NATE TOOK HER FOR THE FIRST HALF AND THEN BROUGHT HER TO ME SO HE COULD GO TO PRIESTHOOD SO HE COULD LISTEN TO J.R TEACH, WELL SHE WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH ME SO I HAD TO GO HUNT NATE DOWN IN PRIESTHOOD AND J.R WAS SITTING IN THE BACK SO SHE REACHED HER ARMS OUT TO HIM, AND HE TOOK HER UNTIL HE HAD TO TEACH, THEN PASSED HER TO NATE. PRES. BOYD FERRIN ALWAYS GAVE KOLBI SMARTIES TRYING TO GET HER TO SMILE AND LIKE HIM, BUT SHE WOULD JUST GRAB THE SMARTIES AND KINDA GIVE HIM A DIRTY LOOK, SO IT BECAME A GOAL OF BOYD'S TO GET HER TO SMILE WHEN HE GAVE HER ONE. WELL THAT SUNDAY HE WENT TO GIVE HER ONE AND NOT ONLY DID SHE SMILE AT HIM SHE GIGGLED. IT MADE BOYD'S DAY, HE WAS SO EXCITED TO FILL ME IN ON WHAT HAD JUST HAPPENED. I WAS PRETTY EXCITED ABOUT IT AS WELL. WE CAME HOME GAVE KOLBI A DONUT AT THE BAR AND NEXT THING WE KNEW SHE WAS FAST ASLEEP WITH HER SIDE OF HER FACE ON THE GLAZED DONUT.

SHE WAS EXHAUSTED AFTER CHURCH! THEN WE HEADED UP TO NATE'S PARENTS HOUSE FOR OUR MONTHLY FHE. IT WAS A GREAT NIGHT WITH HIS FAMILY. NORMALLY WHEN NATE WOULD THROW HER UP IN THE AIR AND CATCH HER SHE WOULD FREAK OUT. IT SCARED HER TO DEATH. BUT THIS NIGHT SHE ACTUALLY LAUGHED, AND LAUGHED AND BEGGED NATE TO KEEP DOING IT. IT WAS SO FUNNY TO SEE THE CHANGE IN HER.
THEN AROUND 8:15 WE GOT HOME I GOT HER OUT OF THE JEEP SHE GAVE ME A BIG WET KISS AND LAID ON MY SHOULDER FOR A SEC. THEN WANTED DOWN TO GO PLAY WITH THE OLDER KIDS. NATE AND I WALKED OVER TO THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE TO PUT AWAY THE LIFE JACKETS IN THE BOAT THAT MY BROTHER HAD LEFT OUT FROM THE DAY BEFORE TO DRY. I WAS ON THE WEST SIDE OF THE BOAT AND AS NATE WAS WALKING AWAY, HE SAID, "CHELS. KOLBI IS ON THE CEMENT PAD BY THE SIDE DOOR". I WAS LIKE OK NO BIGGIE, NEXT THING I HEARD WAS ROSCO (OUR DOG) BARKING, KYSON YELLING SO I GOT OFF THE BOAT AND AS I DID NATE WAS AS WHITE AS A GHOST WITH KOLBI DANGLING ON HIS SHOULDER, I LOOKED AT HIM AND SHOOK MY HEAD "NO" AND HE SHOOK HIS HEAD "YES" WITH NO WORDS SAID I KNEW IT WASN'T GOOD. I RAN IN THE HOUSE GRABBED MY PHONE AND CALLED 911 RUNNING BACK OUTSIDE AND RUNNING AND SCREAMING FOR SOMEONE TO COME OUTSIDE AND HELP. I KNEW OUR NEIGHBORS WEREN'T HOME SO I JUST SCREAMED "HELP" WHILE TRYING TO TALK TO THE OPERATOR FOR HELP AS WELL.
I YELLED FOR THE KIDS TO GET IN THE HOUSE, SO THEY WOULDN'T SEE EVERYTHING THAT WAS GOING ON. FINALLY OUR NEIGHBORS FROM ACROSS THE STREET(THAT WE HADN'T MET) CAME OVER THE GIRLFRIEND HUGGED ME, TOOK MY PHONE AWAY FROM ME AND STARTED TALKING TO THE OPERATOR WHERE HE TOLD HER AND NATE TO LAY KOLBI DOWN SO NATE RAN AND GOT A TOWEL AND LAID HER DOWN ON THE DRIVEWAY, THEN THEY BOTH STARTED CPR UNTIL THE PARAMEDICS, AND FIREMEN CAME. THE SEC. THE PARAMEDIC PULLED UP I SAW MY BROTHER-IN-LAW MATT JUMP OUT AND WITH A WHITE FACE AND A SAD LOOK, HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS IN FOR UNTIL I YELLED TO HIM IT'S KOLBI THEN HE TOOK OFF RUNNING TO GET TO HER.
MY NEIGHBOR/FRIEND PENNI FINALLY DROVE UP, ANDI I JUST REMEMBER RUNNING TO HER AND HUGGING HER, SHE WAS RIGHT BY MY SIDE THE REST OF THE NIGHT. I REMEMBER PEOPLE?? SITTING NATE AND I DOWN IN LAWN CHAIRS AND TELLING ME TO BREATHE.
OUR NEIGHBORS TOOK CARE OF THE KIDS PUT A MOVIE ON FOR THEM TO DISTRACT THEM. THE SEC. NATE SAT DOWN BY ME I REMEMBER TELLING HIM, "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT" HIM BEING MOSTLY IN SHOCK JUST LOOKED AT ME WITH THE MOST SADDENED FACE I'VE EVER SEEN ON HIM BEFORE. I REMEMBER TRYING TO HUG HIM TO COMFORT HIM,BUT THEN HE WAS GONE THE POLICE WANTED HIM. (WHICH I LEARNED LATER THEY WERE MAKING HIM CHANGE AND WATCHING HIM WHILE HE DID TO MAKE SURE HE WASN'T ON DRUGS OR ANYTHING. SO PRETTY MUCH INVESTIGATING HIM.) I WISH SO BAD I WOULD HAVE KNOWN CAUSE I WOULD HAVE BEEN RIGHT BY HIS SIDE IF I KNEW.
I HAD PENNI CALL MY PARENTS CAUSE THEY WERE IN BEAR LAKE FOR HTE WEEKEND, AND JAMIE AND KIRK WERE IN YELLOWSTONE. WHILE I WAS STILL SITTING OUTSIDE NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE KOLBI SINCE SHE WAS COVERED BY PARAMEDICS AN OFFICER CAME OVER AND SAID "THEY ARE BRINGING IN LIFE FLIGHT AND TAKING HER TO PRIMARYS" I REMEMBER BEING EXCITED THINKING "PRIMARYS, THERE'S A CHANCE SHE'S GOING TO BE OK." THEN ABOUT 5 MINUTES LATER THE LIFE FLIGHT CAME DROPPED 3 HOUSES DOWN AND THEN THE OFFICER CAME BACK AND SAID, " THEY ARE TAKING HER TO MCKAY DEE" AFTER HE HAD SAID MCKAY I KNEW SHE WAS GONE.
THE AMBULANCE TOOK NATE AND I UP TO THE HOSPITAL, WHICH WAS THE LONGEST RIDE OF MY LIFE!!! NATE JUST KEPT HIS HEAD DOWN AND KEPT SHAKING IT BACK AND FORTH. HE WAS AS WHITE AS A GHOST. I HELD HIS HAND AND SAID IT AGAIN AND AGAIN, "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!" WE WALKED INTO THE ER AND A CUTE NURSE GRABBED ME AND HUGGED ME AND SAID, " I AM SOOO SORRY, YOU HAVE A GORGEOUS LITTLE GIRL." I THOUGHT IS THIS HOW THEY WERE TELLING MY BABY IS GONE?!? THEN THEY HURRIED US INTO A SEPARATE LITTLE WAITING ROOM, WHERE OUR BISHOPRIC AND PENNI WERE, I WAS DYING TO SEE OUR BISHOP AND HIS WIFE THERE WITH OPEN ARMS, KNOWING THEY WERE JUST DOING THIS THEMSELVES. PAM(BISHOPS WIFE) GRABBED ME AND SAID, " I KNOW WHO'VE HAD FEELINGS, I HAD FEELINGS WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THOSE FEELINGS!"
FINALLY THE DR. CAME IN AND TOLD US, "I AM SO SORRY BUT, YOUR BABY DIDN'T MAKE IT AND THAT THEY DID EVERYTHING THEY COULD TO HELP HER."
OF COURSE I LOST IT, NATE WAS STILL IN SHOCK AND KEPT HIS HEAD DOWN, I WENT AND SAT ON HIS LAP AND HE JUST HELD ME. THAT WAS THE MOST COMFORT I HAD, I WHISPERED IN HIS EAR HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM, AND THAT IT WASN'T HIS FAULT AGAIN.
THEN I ASKED THE BISHOPRIC TO GIVE US BOTH A BLESSING, THEY WERE AMAZING AND THE MOST COMFORTING BLESSINGS WE HAVE EVER HAD. THEN WAITING FOR ALL THE FAMILY TO SHOW UP I ASKED WHERE MY MOM AND DAD WERE AND IF THEY HAD SHOWN UP YET. ABOUT 3 MINS AFTER I ASKED MY MOM WALKED IN AND HUGGED ME AND THEN WENT TO NATE AND HUGGED HIM WHILE MY DAD FOLLOWED WITH THE HUG AND THE TEARS. WHEN ALL THE FAMILY HAD MADE IT FROM BOTH SIDES THE DR. SAID WE COULD GO SEE HER.
I WAS ALITTLE OVERWHELMED BUT WANTED TO SEE MY BABY! WE WENT IN AND SHE WAS LAYING ON THE BED ALL WRAPPED UP IN A NICE WARM BLANKET, I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW I WAS STANDING UP, BUT I DO BELIEVE THE LORD CARRY'S YOU THRU YOUR TRIBULATIONS.
AFTER THE FAMILY SAW HER THEY GAVE ME AND NATE SOME TIME ALONE WITH HER. AS WE SAT THERE HOLDING OUR BABY, SHE WAS ALREADY COLD, I KNEW HEAVENLY FATHER TOOK HER THE SEC. SHE WAS IN FRONT OF THE JEEP. NATE SAID HOW SORRY HE WAS TO HER AND TO ME. RIGHT THEN I GRABBED HIS HAND AND SAID, " WE CAN GET THRU THIS, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!" I ALSO SAID HOW MUCH WE LOVED HER AND WILL STILL LOVE HER, WE FELT HER SPIRIT THERE SO STRONGLY, IT WAS LIKE SHE WAS TELLING US, IT WAS OK.
THE HARDEST THING WE HAD TO DO WAS PUT HER BACK ON THE BED KNOWING SHE WAS BY HERSELF, THEN THE SOCIAL WORKER TOLD US SHE WOULD STAY THERE OVERNIGHT AND I HAD A PANIC ATTACK THINKING MY BABY WAS GOING TO BE LEFT THERE IN THAT COLD HOSPITAL ROOM ALL NIGHT.
NICK NATE'S BROTHER SAID HIS BISHOP DOES FUNERALS AND HE IS ON HIS WAY TO GET HER. NEVER HAD I EVER BEEN MORE RELIEVED IN MY LIFE. NICK HAD ALREADY DID THE PHONE CALL KNOWING I WOULDN'T BE OK WITH HER STAYING AT THE HOSPITAL.
WHILE LEAVING THE HOSPITAL I FELT SO EMPTY I REMEMBER MY MOM HOLDING ME UP TO GET TO THEIR TRUCK. MY PARENTS MADE IT TO THE HOSPITAL FROM BEAR LAKE IN AN HOUR AND 15MINS., THEY DIDN'T LOCK UP THEIR PLACE AND THE ONE THING MY DAD DID GRAB WAS HIS NAIL GUN. WE HAD TO CHUCKLE WHEN WE GOT IN THE TRUCK AND SAW THAT.
WE WENT STRAIGHT TO MY PARENTS HOUSE THAT NIGHT IT WAS ABOUT 12:30 BY THE TIME WE GOT HOME. NATE PUT SOME OF MY DADS BASKETBALL SHORTS ON AND WENT STRAIGHT TO THE BED. MY MOM OF COURSE DRUGGED ME UP SO THAT I COULD SLEEP NATE WAS AMAZING DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING. WE TALKED ALITTLE BEFORE GOING TO SLEEP.
THE NEXT MORNING, EVERYONE WAS DOING EVERYTHING TO GET READY FOR THE FUNERAL. MY SISTERS WERE DOING A VIDEO, WRITING UP THE OBIT. GETTING THINGS READY FOR THE VIEWING. THEY WERE AMAZING.
NATE AND I HAD TO DECIDE WHERE WE WANTED TO BURY HER, WELL MY FIRST CHOICE OF COURSE WAS PLAIN CITY SO SHE WOULD BE CLOSE TO US. BUT, MY MOM CALLED AND THEY SAID IT WAS FULL. THEN ANOTHER MAN CALLED BACK AND SAID HE WAS GOING TO GO OUT AND DOUBLE CHECK, SURE ENOUGH HE FOUND 1 SPOT LEFT 1 SPOT!!! I FELT SO BLESSED, SO WE DECIDED THAT'S WHERE WE WERE GOING TO PUT HER.
THEN WE HAD TO GO UP TO THE FUNERAL HOME IN TREMONTON TO FIGURE OUT THE FUNERAL SERVICES. WE WENT UP AROUND 1:00 AND WERE THERE UNTIL 5:00 WE WERE ABLE TO HOLD KOLBI THE WHOLE TIME, SHE WAS WRAPPED IN A BLANKET A GIRL MADE FOR HER YOUNG WOMEN'S PROJECT. THAT SHE DONATED. IT WAS SOOO CUTE. KOLBI WAS IN A ONSIE PAJAMAS THAT JO(FUNERAL OWNER) HAD PUT HER IN. UNCLE GLADE AND MY AUNT FAYE CAME STRAIGHT FROM CAMPING, MY COUSIN GAVIN HAD GOTTEN HOME THAT MORNING OR THE NIGHT BEFORE, FOUND OUT THE NEWS AND NEW I NEEDED FAYE TO DO IMPRINTS OF OUR HANDS, SO HE DROVE ALL THE WAY BACK UP TO THE MTNS. TO INFORM HIS FAMILY, AND FAYE AND GLADE DROVE RIGHT THERE IN OUR TIME OF NEED. SHE SAYS IT'S SO HARD OT DO A 3 HANDED MOLD, BUT, IT TURNED OUT PERFECT!!! SHE SAYS IT WAS THE LORD'S WORK. I WILL FOREVER CHERISH HER HANDS AND MINE AND NATE'S HOLDING HER SWEET LITTLE TAN HAND! THANK YOU SO MUCH FAYE! LOVE YOU!

THE NEXT DAY TUESDAY MY MOM AND I WENT TO FIND A DRESS TO DRESS KOLBI IN. THEN MY MOM, DAD, JAMIE, NATE'S PARENTS AND NICOLE AND NATE AND I WENT BACK UP TO SEE KOLBI AND GET HER DRESSED. WE HAD PICKED OUT THE CUTEST LITTLE WHITE DRESS AND PINK BOW AND A PINK SASH TO GO AROUND HER WAIST. SHE LOOKED BEAUTIFUL! MOM AND JAMIE DRESSED HER WHILE I WAS ABLE TO GET HER HAIR DONE AND PUT ON HER TIGHTS AND SOCKS! I LOVED KISSING HER FEET, THEY WERE STILL PERFECT. I KNOW SHE WAS THERE WITH US, I FELT HER SPIRIT, SHE WAS PROBABLY LAUGHING AT ME TRYING TO CUT HER BANGS WITHOUT GETTING IT IN HER EYES! SINCE I STARTED GROWING THEM OUT IN THE SUMMER. I LOVED HOLDING HER LITTLE HAND IT FELT LIKE SHE WAS HOLDING MINE BACK. CAUSE IT ALWAYS HAS CURLED. I WAS REALLY CALM AND SO WAS NATE IT WAS JUST KINDA PEACEFUL MAKING HER BEAUTIFUL AS SHE ALWAYS HAS BEEN!
I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT HAD REALLY HAPPEN TO HER, BECAUSE, SHE STILL LOOKED PERFECT, SHE ONLY HAD A LITTLE ROAD RASH ON THE LEFT SIDE OF HER CHEEK AND MAYBE A BROKEN ARM. BUT OTHER THEN THAT I QUESTIONED THE WHOLE TIME TO MYSELF, "WHY DIDN'T SHE MAKE IT?" SHE WASN'T SMASHED, SHE WAS JUST A LITTLE BRUISED ON HER FOREHEAD, THERE WASN'T ALOT OF BLOOD, ONLY LIKE A FEW DROPS. IT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE TO ME, BUT THEN I THOUGHT MAYBE THIS WAS HIS ONLY CHANCE TO TAKE HER BACK HOME. MAYBE THIS WAS ALL THE FEELINGS I WAS HAVING, IT HAD TO BE KOLBI, SHE WAS PERFECT FROM DAY 1. WE LOVED HER SOOOO MUCH!
I JUST FOUND OUT THE OTHER DAY WHAT HAD HAPPEN, MATT TOLD NATE (THAT NIGHT) THAT SHE WAS GONE THE SEC. NATE PICKED HER UP, AND NATE SAID HE KNEW. BUT KOLBI MUST HAVE FOLLOWED NATE AFTER NATE WAS BY THE SIDE OF THE GARAGE AFTER HE HAD TOLD ME WHERE SHE WAS, HE WALKED IN FRONT OF THE JEEP(BECAUSE WE ALWAYS PARK IN BACKWARDS) THE JEEP WAS IN THE GARAGE, HE STARTED TO PULL OUT SLOW KOLBI WALKED IN BETWEEN KYSON AND MY NEPHEW WES. THE JEEP BUMPED HER, WHICH MADE HER FALL AND I GUESS SHE TRIED TO GET UP AND HER ARM WENT UNDER THE TIRE AND SHE HIT HER HARD SO HARD ON THE PAVEMENT. KYSON YELLED TO BACK UP SO NATE DID AND JUMPED OUT TO SEE HER.
I FINALLY HAD MY QUESTIONS ANSWERED ON WHAT TOOK HER??? WHEN SHE HIT HER HEAD ON THE PAVEMENT SHE HIT SOOO HARD THAT IT FRACTURED HER SKULL, THEY SAY ONE HIT TO A BABY'S HEAD CAN KILL THEM. NOW IF IT HAD BEEN AN OLDER KID WHO'S SKULL IS MORE DEVELOPED THEY PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BEEN OK.
THAT'S BEEN A BLESSING TO ME KNOWING THAT SHE FELT NO PAIN, SHE DIDN'T SUFFER! I BELIEVE HEAVENLY FATHER KNEW HE HAD ONLY ONE SEC. TO GET HER BACK AND HE TOOK HIS SHOT AND WAS ABLE TO GET HER BACK. BECAUSE I KNOW THAT I WOULD HAVE HAD A FEELING TO PROTECT MY BABY, KYSON WOULD HAVE HAD A FEELING TO PROTECT HIS SISTER AND NATE WOULD HAVE TOLD ME HE WAS MOVING THE JEEP, LIKE WE NORMALLY DO.
I TOLD NATE AFTER THE SERVICES, "IT HAD TO BE YOU, AS CRAPPY AS IT IS THAT IT WAS, IT HAD TO BE! HE'S THE ONLY ONE I COULD FORGIVE!" I DON'T LOOK AT NATE AND SEE HIM IN THE ACCIDENT AT ALL, IF IT HAD BEEN A NEIGHBOR A FRIEND OR A FAMILY MEMBER I DON'T KNOW IF I COULD HAVE FORGIVEN AS FAST AS I DID FOR MY SPOUSE. I FELT WORSE FOR HIM THEN I DID FOR MYSELF!!!
KOLBI'S SERVICES WERE BEAUTIFUL!
AFTER IT ALL BOTH NATE AND I HAD SUCH A PEACEFUL FEELING, EXHAUSTED FROM IT ALL! BUT, WE WERE READY TO CARRY ON, NOT SAYING WE WILL EVER FORGET KOLBI, WE THINK AND TALK ABOUT HER ALL THE TIME. BUT, WE KNOW SHE IS SAFE AND THE LORD HAS ANOTHER MISSION FOR HER, FOR HER TO COMPLETE. HER MISSION HERE WAS TO HELP US, WE HAVE NO REGRETS WITH HER. I LOVED/LOVE HER SOOOO MUCH, I FOUGHT FOR HER I KNEW SHE WAS THE ONE TO COMPLETE OUR FAMILY, THE PUZZLE PIECE MIGHT BE MISSING NOW, BUT ONE GLORIOUS DAY WE WILL HAVE THAT SPECIAL COMPLETE PUZZLE PIECE AGAIN!
♥LOVE YOU KOLBI MAE♥

MY GOOD FRIEND LACY FLEW FROM ST.GEORGE TO BE HERE FOR US AND SHE'S A GREAT PHOTOGRAPHER WHO MADE THIS DARLING VIDEO FOR US AND CAPTURESD ALL THE MOMENTS OF THE DAY. THANKS SOOO MUCH LAC. LOVE YOU!